Monday, 18 June 2012


Not having a good day today. Tired and cranky. Cranky at the world and this shit cancer. Cranky at just about everything at the moment and would just like a second to come up for air. Most days I'm not so bad and more sad than cranky but today I just want to scream. I'm even getting cross with jayden and that's making me cranky with myself. I know I just need a decent night sleep but that's just not possible.
Jaydens next to me at the moment not asleep but watching. He's meant to be asleep as its his nap time but today he's not having it. It's a Shame because when he sleeps I get time with everyone else because when he's awake that's not possible. But today might be one of those days where I just have to blow off what I originally planned otherwise I wind up even more cranky because things didn't work out the way I had hoped.
We were up at 5am this morning and boy am I feeling it now. Thought our appointment was for 7 am but it wasn't till 8 am so drove back to the apartment not long after arriving at procure. Gardeners here had dumped a huge pile of wood chips out the front of our place to use in the gardens and of course our kids thought it was a great opportunity to climb it and mess about on it. Jayden joined in too but didn't climb just rammed his bike into it and was actually more fascinated by the bobcat parked next to it. What I think he wouldn't give to ride in one of those! They entertained themselves for ages with the big pile until the gardeners came along to use it. By which time jayden and I had to leave to go back to Procure. We weren't there long until Mary Anne our nurse called us in. Jayden really likes her and has taken to calling her Nanna, we have no idea why for she looks no way near older enough to be a Nanna but maybe it's what she represents by caring for him and taking a big interest in him and everything he does and says. He is always her first priority when we are in there and He knows it.

We had yet another new anesthetist today, all have been wonderful. It always throws me when they walk in the door because they don't where uniforms here, so I never know what anyone does when I meet them until they introduce themselves which they always do. I think it's great for jayden because he's not so scared as they just look like regular people rather than ones in a particular colored uniform.

He got to play for a while on the bed because they were running a little late and he was happy. When we began to wheel his bed into the treatment room you could see his face changing but not as bad as it has been. He knows the routine and lifted his arms up for me to pick him up when we got there and take him to his spot in the room. He cuddled me close as they injected him with the white substance and he held on tighter as he felt it taking affect and let out a small whimper, then was asleep. I don't know what more to say about this time without sounding like a broken down record. Its never easy and seeing the pictures in the paper the other day of what happens when he's under made it all so much more real, if that's even possible. It's a long road and every morning we do this feels like a lifetime. It's squeezes every last drop of emotional energy out of me every time I take him in, I want it to be the last and only time but know we have days ahead of us.
An hour later, maybe less I was called in because he had woken. He vomited again and has done a few times after he's woken from the treatment but nothing out of the ordinary.
He was happy to leave and for the first time waved goodbye to Mary Anne as we left. I feel he is going to develop quite a bond with this lovely lady and it will be sad to say goodbye to her when we leave. She has become part of his daily routine and part of his life.
He's asleep now and time for me to spend some time with the others. I should sleep I know but I can't. Im not as cranky now.But I will always be cranky with cancer, it sux!

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  1. leisl, I know time with your other children is important to you but you must take some time to recuperate yourself.If you burn yourself out it is no good to anyone. "if Mumma's happy everyone is happy" soft hugs and caring thoughts.

  2. Aww beautiful boy with his Mary Anne! I'm not at all religious but I do believe that god puts angels in our path when we need them most! And at at this time maryanne is his angel :)

  3. I agree with Jojoe - please allow yourself time for yourself. You and the family are so brave.