I'm laying next to my beautiful boy and my Mind starts thinking about bloody mega therapy again. It jumps in and out of my thoughts all day and night but for most of the time I try with all my might to fight it off. I am so damn scared of losing my son under such horrific circumstances. Losing him because we said ok to poisoning him. It is so shit it's truly unbelievable. I don't know how other parents in similar shoes do it because I'm struggling with this decision big time. All I know for certain is I don't want to make such a decision and I don't want him to suffer in anyway. Yet I don't have a choice. Not only do Danny and I have to make such a horrific and disgusting decision but either way he will suffer. It's just crap. This life we have now is so fucking painful it just sucks.
Sure, we have good times and we make them as good as they possibly can be but both of us know the reality of this situation and it does suck.
Before jayden fell asleep to night he held my face in his hands as I lay next to him and said 'you ok?'. I cuddled him and told him i was and how much i love him and soon after he was snoring. The sweetest little man I know and so completely unawares of his diagnosis and he's asking me if I'm ok. He had a pretty crap day today as we couldn't seem to control his vomiting. Did three over a period of half an hour this afternoon and again before bed. It's so painful to watch and disheartening as we try so hard to get food into him and when we do it's a huge accomplishment and we are so happy. But when he vomits it all back up again shortly after you just want to cry. I sat there watching him tonight after he vomited and he carried on as if nothing had happened and my heart just ached. As I cleaned up after him I just wished so bad that he was better. That he no longer had that dreadful nasal gastric tube stuck in his nose and he could just be able to have a meal and keep the darn thing down. It's just so shit and sometimes I just want to scream " enough is enough! Someone give him a bloody break!" yet he seems to cope. I look at him now, sleeping soundly and think how when all this stuff is happening to him, he's not complaining, he isn't screaming for someone to give him a break, he just carries on. He had his treatment today, he vomited heaps, when he wasn't being sick he was playing and now he's asleep. How is it such a small little man can take so much on the chin?
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