when I went back to him after they were all done he was his usual amazing little man. Sat up like nothing had happened and ready to go home. My goodness that never ceases to blow my mind. I know if that was me I most certainly would not be sitting up like nothing has happened and then playing straight after. No, no, no. I would still be laying there now, and whining about how crap I feel.
When I got him home he was out the car and playing cars with Luke in no time. Danny took them both shopping for groceries and then for the rest of the day we just hung out. Not very exciting but it was very hot outside today and with Jayden not being able to swim there's not a lot else to do in the hot weather. Was good though as we were all happy just to chill anyway.
Jayden and luke hung out heaps today. And these are just a couple of the photos. Before bedtime luke read jayden a book on the bed and played with some stickers from one of the books. They have always been good mates but of course do have their moments. Since we've been away though they have had to rely on each others company 24/7. Luke has no mates he can call on here to play with so jayden is it and it seems to work. Of course when they get sick of each other they hassle their sister but she's beautiful with them.
I videoed them today playing and chatting to each other and as I was doing it I sadly thought that this maybe a video that we look back at one day to remind us of jayden. I held back the tears as that awful thought crossed my mind and tried to think of something else. Impossible. They laughed and joked with each other and my heart ached. How much a loss of a child can and will affect everyone that is touched by that child. Luke has no idea the magnitude of that loss and my god I hope he never has to feel it. I hope nothing takes his brother away from him, that he will always laugh with him, cry with him and wrestle him. That they grow old together and enjoy life as they should together. I hope that they get to share a beer when theyre older together, party together and all the good things brothers do together. I know they will be great mates, they already are. They share a bond that is so very special and as i video them I'm crying inside hoping with all my heart that nothing breaks that bond. That nothing takes my son away from his brother for i could not bare that loss nor bare to see my sons heart break from that loss.
I hear my son Luke laughing at the moment as I write. Jaydens asleep by my side now and danny is putting the other two to bed. But not without a wrestle and a play before. He's a great dad. I know he will always be there for Luke but I hope jayden will too. There's nothing easy about this mess. Everyday there's an ache, a reminder of how shit it all is. And everyday I spend trying to fight off the thoughts that crush my heart, but shit it's hard.