Thursday, 5 July 2012


Jayden had his treatment this morning early again. I like it early because we are out the door not long after he has woken up and no time for him to ask for a drink or food so I don't have to say 'no'. Different aneasathist today from Tuesday but we have had him before. They are all wonderful. Today however his milky stuff seemed to be pushed through a lot faster than I'm use to and no doubt jayden and it took me completely by surprise when jayden passed out so quickly. He did a couple of coughs and then gone. Was abit scarier than normal and made me ill with worry.

when I went back to him after they were all done he was his usual amazing little man. Sat up like nothing had happened and ready to go home. My goodness that never ceases to blow my mind. I know if that was me I most certainly would not be sitting up like nothing has happened and then playing straight after. No, no, no. I would still be laying there now, and whining about how crap I feel.
When I got him home he was out the car and playing cars with Luke in no time. Danny took them both shopping for groceries and then for the rest of the day we just hung out. Not very exciting but it was very hot outside today and with Jayden not being able to swim there's not a lot else to do in the hot weather. Was good though as we were all happy just to chill anyway.

Jayden and luke hung out heaps today. And these are just a couple of the photos. Before bedtime luke read jayden a book on the bed and played with some stickers from one of the books. They have always been good mates but of course do have their moments. Since we've been away though they have had to rely on each others company 24/7. Luke has no mates he can call on here to play with so jayden is it and it seems to work. Of course when they get sick of each other they hassle their sister but she's beautiful with them.

I videoed them today playing and chatting to each other and as I was doing it I sadly thought that this maybe a video that we look back at one day to remind us of jayden. I held back the tears as that awful thought crossed my mind and tried to think of something else. Impossible. They laughed and joked with each other and my heart ached. How much a loss of a child can and will affect everyone that is touched by that child. Luke has no idea the magnitude of that loss and my god I hope he never has to feel it. I hope nothing takes his brother away from him, that he will always laugh with him, cry with him and wrestle him. That they grow old together and enjoy life as they should together. I hope that they get to share a beer when theyre older together, party together and all the good things brothers do together. I know they will be great mates, they already are. They share a bond that is so very special and as i video them I'm crying inside hoping with all my heart that nothing breaks that bond. That nothing takes my son away from his brother for i could not bare that loss nor bare to see my sons heart break from that loss.

I hear my son Luke laughing at the moment as I write. Jaydens asleep by my side now and danny is putting the other two to bed. But not without a wrestle and a play before. He's a great dad. I know he will always be there for Luke but I hope jayden will too. There's nothing easy about this mess. Everyday there's an ache, a reminder of how shit it all is. And everyday I spend trying to fight off the thoughts that crush my heart, but shit it's hard.


  1. Leisl, that second photo of Jayden turning to look at Luke is beautiful. He's so intrigued and in love with him. I really love that shot. Best wishes Teneal

  2. Hi Leisl, I love you so much and the photos of Jayden and Luke remind me of us as kids. They look older than when i last saw them and Jayden looks heaps better. I have never been able to change your mind about how you think but it will never stop me telling you anyway. I hope you can drop the really crap shit that may happen in the future and enjoy the present time. You all look great in the photos, take it day by day. The Your probably a bit pissed with me and rightfully so. I would be furious if I was in your situation and I know you would give me beter support. I think you are doing amazing and I look forward to giving you a big hug.

  3. Annonymous,
    there are many people in my life that some would think i should be pissed with because i havent heard from or supported me by keeping in contact. But I could not be pissed with any of those people as how could they know what i am going through when they have never walked these shoes. I understand that everyones lives are different and they all have their own issues to deal with. Yes, I wish those issues were mine as Im sure they would be a lot easier, however they are not. I dont know which one of those people you are as you never left your name but I can guess it is either my beautiful cousin Bruce or scrumptious brother John. Dont beat yourself up about it. I will always love you know matter what. Yes I think i would have been more supportive but hey, does it matter? no. I know that you are there if I really needed you and thats all that matters.
    Thank you for your post.
    I too am looking forward to a big brother/cousin hug.