Jaydens currently siting on his hospital bed watching cars the movie on a portable DVD player. He's just starting to get into movies and 'mater' is his favorite character. Thought it would be 'McQueen' like his brother but he seems to prefer trucks at the moment. Am sure that will change.
He had a good night sleep considering how many times he was woken and for the first time since we got back he slept in until 7:30am, amazing. I was awake but happy to hear him sleeping peacefully squished up next to me. He's a bit bigger now so sleeping together on the single bed has become very snug. And he always sleeps in the middle, rascal.
The doctors a milling around at the nurses desk along with nurses and you wonder what they are talking about if medical at all. Kinda reminds me of road works when you see the many workers leaning on there brooms or shovels but never seeming to really be doing anything.
He's fasting at the moment as they have to do another Echo on his heart as the one they did in the states didn't take a measurement that is necessary for the chemo to start. They will need to sedate him to do this and while he is under they are going to change his dressing of his broviac because it has quite a bit of blood around it from the seeping and then bring him back to his room to insert the catheter. Hopefully the sedative would not have worn off by then and he will be none the wiser. I was advised by a fellow cancer mum not to be there during this process and if he is sedated I will definitely take her advice. They assure me though that if his sedation is not still effective they will give him more before doing the catheter. I hope this will be so. I'm hoping it will all go ok and not be too uncomfortable for him.
It's now a couple of hours later and he has been given his sedation but it's not taking. He's fighting it and having a huge tantrum that seem to be lasting a lifetime. They have now decided to move him to the treatment room and do it there. Sometimes I feel like no one is really certain of everything here. One minute it's a certain way and the next it's changed. Makes me very nervous.....
Another hour or so has passed and he is now sleeping with the first lot of chemo pumping through his veins. This is all truly fucked and sometimes i just don't know how much we can all take.
The sedation wasnt as effective as i imagined and there was no way i was leaving him when the catheter was inserted. It was catheter traumatic and he screamed for what seemed like hours afterwards. For the first time since this journey began i had to leave him with the nurse while i walked away to breath. He had been screaming for what seemed like an eternity and i just had to walk away. I haven't sobbed so much in ages. How exactly do i see the positive side of things as someone once wrote here, when my son is screaming in pain and all he wants is for me to take it away. Do i smile and say well, at least your alive? Mmmm? Don't bloody think so. If you walked these shoes you would know that none of this is fun and if you expect to read a happy entry then go somewhere else. Yes, I'm angry now. Angry at everything and most of all angry at how bloody unfair it is that my innocent child has to suffer like this. And he's not alone, this whole hospital is full of screams from children and mothers anxious, stressed and beside themselves with worry. Walk their shoes and then comment on how we should be more positive. Walk their shoes and then see how easy it is to smile.
I'm so fed up with this journey and I'm so fed up with watching my child suffer. I'm fed up with keeping it together and I'm just fed up.