Thursday, 9 August 2012

Early morning

Something woke me at 4 am and I can't get back to sleep. I'm laying In My own bed with my five year old snuggled right next to me and I can't stop thinking about Jayden. Danny stayed last night. It was really hard to leave him yesterday afternoon but I knew I had to. Danny needed to spend some time with him
And my other kids needed to see me. I hate been torn between the two.

I miss him. I can't stop worrying about him. I will be with him soon but I wish he were here with us. I'm worried how he is coping, how his night was. Is he in pain?
When I think about my little man I well up. The tears just keep coming and I'm beginning to think I may need help from the pharmaceutical department. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of emotions most days and can't find the bloody shore. It's shit.

My kids are fabulous. no matter how shit I feel they are a reminder to keep on going. So often I just want to crawl up in a ball and hide from it all and cry. But I don't. They are so excited to see me when I get home and they give me the strength to keep going.

My little man needs me, they all do and I know I have to get up, suck it up and face a new day. It's bloody hard though.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2 comments:

  1. I read EVEry bog entry you enter. Each is a memory as a new day arises.

    Cry when you need to your hubby and fall apart when your not in front of jayden. It is shit. It sucks, it is so unfair to watch your son suffer. Leisl, I was in your shoes. Few can ever say that. I feel your blog entry's. I have written the same fucked up shit u r feeling.
    Praying. I am always praying for your sweet boy. Praying for little to no side effect from this chemo. I pray he has an easy time. I think of you everyday and just pray to god he gives you the strength to pull yourself through these times. Xoxo

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  2. Hi Leisl
    I have been where you are, it is hard, so very hard, no one should have to walk where we have. I found that I talked to my social worker when I was there. She was great (she has left now though), while my son was in treatment it helped alot. Although in the end I had to visit my doctor and am now on tablets, yeah it was hard to ask, but it just takes that edge off. I still cry, I still have my bad days, but it is easier to be there for your kids, it is not such a struggle, you actually have some energy to be there for them. It was the best thing I did. Talk to your social worker first, or someone at the hospital, is Gordon still there, or even Ranita, she is wonderful. If you can't sleep, can't function, you can't help Jayden. It may not be for you, talking doesnt solve anything but it does help to help you think things through with someone that is impartial and won't judge!!

    I am always thinking of you and your beautiful family. Take one moment at a time.

    Sending my love
    A Mum that has walked your path.

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