Monday, 20 August 2012

having a moment

I sat in the car today with my son and Danny out the front of our house (Jayden loves hanging out in the car) and watched families walking by after picking up their kids from school. I thought about how simple our lives were when they were like the families I'm looking at then.  We made it so complicated though by worrying about the little stupid things in life. Now our life truly is complicated and it doesn't stop being so. Ridiculous how shit mattered back then but now it means nothing.

Every now and then I get a flash of normality since we have been home, when I'm cooking dinner again for the kids and sitting at the table, making a bed, or picking up toys and its truly the best feeling.  I cant believe how much I miss that. I know Ive said it so many times before but I miss it so much, its very sad. Because back then Jayden was a normal well little boy. Because back then life was simple, even though we didn't realise it at the time. And back then my heart and sole was not aching like it does now.

I can pretend for a moment that life is as it were, but its not. My little boy wakes and he doesn't eat, he requires bucket loads of medication and food and water through his NG tube. His face is so pale every inch of him is white. He smiles the same, and plays the same, his personality hasn't changed, but his body has. His body is desperately trying to fight off a very nasty cancer and at the moment cope with a huge dose of chemotherapy doing its damage to his every cell in his body.

I look at him and all I want to do is take away what he has and have it myself. It should have been me, not him. I think of my life and how very grateful I am for it. That I never had to suffer as a child like he does. I never thought of it as a long life until now.   I want him so badly to have the life I had, the length of it and the absence of the physical pain.  I would give anything to swap places with him. 

Its so very hard to watch him day in and day out so very ill. No matter how hard I try I just cant do it with ease. It bloody hurts beyond words. No parent should have to live this and definitely no child should have to be going through this.

He makes it look easy at times but I'm his mum and I know him. I know he is really struggling and working really hard to keep up. I know it is an effort for him to keep going and I love him for his determination. He is so very brave, and I wish so very much he didn't have to be. I wish so very  much he was just a two year old boy enjoying life as he should.


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