Tuesday, 28 August 2012
I'm alone in my home which would have to be a first since this whole nightmare began. I thought it was going to be a good thing and a chance to have a cuppa with a friend and when that fell through I thought a brilliant opportunity to clean my home. But all it did was left me alone with my thoughts. As I cleaned I thought, washed, thought, every toy I pick up or clothing I put away reminds me of what once was.
I took a jacket out of my cupboard to put on and held it in my hands thinking about when I bought it and telling a friend what a bargain my $15 jacket was. I remembered the moment standing in my kitchen with my mate I use to see often and admiring my piece of bargain hunting and laughing over a cuppa. I sighed for that life is no longer, and those simple conversations don't come easy anymore if at all. The last thing I want to do now is grab a bargain or talk about it.
I feel ive lost the connections with friends for i no longer know what to talk to them about. I now sit here alone writing in this blog and wish i was the one sitting in hospital with Jayden and not Danny. As at least when im there i can focus on what needs to be done, get it done and not think about anything else. There are others there I can chat with and not be reminded of what was and not feel so alone.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table and wonder if this will ever stop. Stop hurting. Will I ever stop feeling like crap.
I wish I could come to terms with all this and somehow manage, but I don't know how that's possible.
My dad just arrived for a cuppa. Had a huge cry on his shoulder. Needed that.
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