Friday, 24 August 2012

Laundry

I caught a glimpse of a woman collecting my laundry this morning but I didn't recognize her as someone I knew. A very dear friend of mine has organized for people to help with my laundry and it has truly been a huge help. These women aren't laundry ladies, they are beautiful mums who have donated their time to do my laundry in a no doubt already busy lifestyle.
I wanted to race out there and give her a big hug to say thank you but i didn't. I just find it so hard to approach people as I've blogged before and i don't know anymore if its fear of not knowing what to say exactly or if its just the very real fear of breaking down and balling my eyes out making that person feel incredibly uncomfortable.
And maybe that woman I saw in the shops was one of these lovely ladies helping, and I never spoke to her.
I just feel so alone in all this sometimes. Pushing people away because I'm scared of how bringing them in will make me feel but then feeling so alone without that constant contact. I'm so confused and so very, very sad.
I just called in to my neighbors house but didn't realize they were celebrating her sons wife's birthday. I felt awful, one for not realizing it was her birthday and two for intruding. I stood there trying to make general chit chat and all I wanted to do was cry. Standing there watching people doing a normal thing like celebrating a birthday was killing me inside. I felt so alone. Alone in my pain and knowing no one knew how I felt. Them all sitting there happily and passing around a photo of the new edition to their family. I felt like i was suffocating and couldn't get out quick enough. By the time i walked out and back to my home i was holding back the hugest cry ever. I gave jayden to danny, walked inside and balled.
I know why i don't stop and talk to people now. Its because I'm scared. Scared of all the feelings it brings up. Scared of how shit it feels to watch someone else be normal. Scared of having the reality of my life hit me in the face. I don't know anymore what to do. I wish it didnt hurt so much. I wish I could see that life would be normal again one day. I feel like I'm barely getting through this and I'm so scared of this constant roller coaster. I want to get off it.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

3 comments:

  1. Dear darling Leisl, you truly are such a gifted writer. Your blogs move me so much and often I'm just to sad to post a comment. On this very blog I would just like to say to you that we all sometimes feel like we are on the outside looking in. Not fitting in, alone & scared for whatever reasons. Please never be afraid to hug these people, they probably all need a hug too. Most of them are so deeply saddend by what you and your family are going through, they would love to have a good cry with you. I know, I'm one of them ;-) have faith, don't be a stranger, you are in our hearts xox Nadja

    ReplyDelete
  2. Research nut you have said it all for us this morning :-))) we all care for your whole family so much Leisel and I too will be here anytime you need anything, never feel you are in this alone... Lots of love from Samantha Moonemalle of St Jude's Primary school xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know you don't know me... but we might bump into each other around the ward... I can relate to exactly what you are saying... I have figured out that I just can't handle people being nice to me... they be nice... I let down my guard... and I lose my shit... and I can't hold back the tears... and I have never been a crier... in the past... now it seems to be all I do... I've told friends and family to stop being nice to me... like nice is the same as pity... it messes with your head.

    "You are amazing," they say.
    "You're so strong," they say.
    "We are ok," I say.
    If only they saw the real me... crying myself to sleep each night in fear of what tomorrow (or that evening) holds.

    Take care... you are doing an amazing job... even when you have weak moments... and may your roller coaster end on a high note... with fairy floss and happiness for you and ALL your family.

    ReplyDelete