Thursday, 23 August 2012
I went to the shops today and saw someone I knew. I didn't stop to say hello when I know previously I would have. She wasnt a best buddie or anything, just a lovely mum from school. But I didn't stop or even say hi. I felt wrong about it afterwards, but i just don't really know how to handle general chit chat anymore.
Just as people probably don't know what to say to me, I don't know what to say to them. Im just not in the headspace to talk about the non important things in life anymore and I'm not sure I ever will be again.
I remember reading once that a life is a blessing, no matter how short or long it is, it's a blessing. It is, no doubt. But that doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't mean I can walk around with a smile on my face and say hello to everyone and have a chat. It doesn't take away how much this hurts and how sad I'm feeling. And can't pretend that everything is ok for the sake of a conversation when everything isn't ok. This is really damn hard and I'm really hurting inside and I'm not going to lie about it.
Jayden on the other hand will chat to anyone or at least smile at anyone. He looks extremely ill and feeling it too, but always manages to smile. He did however show how exhausted he wAs today as every now and then he would drop to the floor and lay his head down but five minutes later he would get up again. You can see he desperately wants the energy that he once had and nothing is going to stop him trying to get it back.
Watching him day in day out like that is my life now. I soak up every minute with him but ache at the very thought of losing him. I couldn't stop and talk to someone as if my whole existence at the moment is anything but this. And i don't want to talk about that to just anyone.
I keep those conversations to my husband and people who know me well, sometimes not so well but have got to know me through this journey and other parents in similar shoes. And so I am left often speechless amongst anyone else and find it easier just to walk away.
I hope one day i will manage to see the world as i once did that bumping in to someone i know at the shops wont be so hard. I doubt it will ever be the same but maybe i could hope for something close to. That I will be able to smile again and it be genuine. Just like my beautiful son does. Everytime I smile at him he gives me a big cheesy back.
There is so much to be said for him and other children like him, their courage and determination to just get on with it. I am forever in awe of his resilience and acceptance of what's happening to him. He is without a doubt my hero.