It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I was asleep, at least had just dosed off when my son luke awoke me. He told me He couldn't sleep so I told him to think of something that makes him happy and sleep will come. I'm not sure where I got that from but no doubt it was something my Dad once said to me. He's asleep now and it must have worked. I on the other hand am not and usually I would be up taking a sleeping tablet by now or Valium but i know i need to have times where I don't. The last few days have been times where I have. How nice it would be if I could do that every night without worrying about the side effects etc. to be able to take a pill and just not think about crap for a while would be wonderful from where I'm sitting right now. In fact id be investing in bucket loads of them. It won't however make things better so I'm trying to sleep tonight without that help.
I even thought about what I told my son but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I know that the sound of my kids laughing makes me happier than anything in the world but now even though it's still beautiful it's loaded with thoughts that one day I may not ever hear my son Jaydens laugh again. I know I'm happy that my son is home but it doesn't take away that he is so ill. I try so hard to find a way to manage this whole crappy situation but I always come up empty. No matter what I think, read, say or do nothing stops the hurt. Nothing keeps me away from my thoughts and this dreadful pain that eats away at my very being.
I lay awake replaying the days, weeks and months events and it crushes my sole. I think about how it use to be and how much I miss that life. How much I miss being able to breath without pain and sleep at night without being consumed with worry.
I miss living. I feel like I'm just hanging by a thread and not living but rather, surviving. Just getting through the day without collapsing in a heap is a win.
This is all so bloody hard and it's when I'm alone and left to think that I struggle the most.
The nights that I can't sleep and I wander the house checking on my kids and feeling so lost. Lost at what to think or where to turn, crying myself to sleep praying that sleep will come and I can get the peace I so desperately yearn. Only to wake to face the day again, get into survival mode and do it all over again.
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