Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Family now

"Family is the essence that helps define our very identity. Family means believing, loving and supporting each other".Those are the words on a photo frame I bought in Chicago and now in it, is photos of Jayden, Luke, Layla and Danny and I. No time in our life our those words more clearer. As a family we are now so much stronger. We have had to be. We are always supportive and loving of each other and even more so now. And most importantly we have to believe in order to get through this mess and we have to be there for each other to survive it.

I still can't believe our family is going through this. I still can't believe we were so unlucky. This is the sort of stuff that happens to 'other' people and we are now those 'other' people. A realization that it can happen to anyone and when it becomes you it's the scariest thing you will ever have to face in your life.

All day, every second of it I'm on the edge of crying. I don't but it's there and I feel it surging from the very thought of what is going on in our lives. I feel like my heart is in my throat most of the time and anxiety I have become use to living with.

Both my boys are out the back playing cars with each other and im sitting watching them. Nothing brings me more joy than to see them happy. Jayden idolises luke and copies his every move. He even insisted on wearing one of lukes tshirts today which luke was happy to let him wear. Its a little bit big but he wears it so proudly.

We have another day at home and recently found out we are not in hospital till Thursday afternoon so we get another day tomorrow as well. It's a beautiful day and with it brings a cool breeze, something i just don't enjoy like i should.

Every now and then I get a flicker of time without thinking about this situation but it is so short lived and passes quickly.

Jayden and luke are now playing basketbdll with danny. Jayden looking cute as a button in his oversized shirt and being held high by dad to put the ball in the hoop. What a little trouper. I'm so proud of him. He just keeps on going no matter what.

I sometimes feel a little disconnected from them all as feelings cloud my mind. I try very hard not to but i have my moments.

Dads here now like every tuesday and ive never looked so forward to seeing him visit as I do these days. Family has always been but more so now my life raft, the most important thing in my life and I just love having him around. He gets me, he gets the situation and he's always there with his shoulder. Very special man my dad.

Times for baths now, dinner has been had and Jayden is ready for his bath.

One more day to go and then back into hospital. How our lives have changed and so dramatically but one little man just keeps on going like its all same, same. My little hero.

Gotta love that smile.

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