We decided after jayden was diagnosed that we would no longer celebrate these days with buying gifts but the way we think they should be celebrated and that's with the kids making stuff for dad and making him feel special. Lots of cuddles and love.
The kids woke up early, jumped all over him on the couch and gave them their carefully designed cards and gifts.
I sat there watching danny with them and wondered how he feels about father hood now. I've never asked him before but I'm sure it's not what he dreamt as a young man it would be. I wondered what he was thinking and what this day,this year meant to him. I know he hurts just as I do about our sons condition and I know he wishes it were different and that things were the way they use to be. I know he loves all his kids and even more so now (if that's possible).
Sometimes when i talk to him about how sad I'm feeling, he'll say nothing, and i wonder what he's thinking. Then after a while he will tell me about a moment he's had at school pick up or the shops or somewhere and I'm reminded He's hurting too. He's a quiet guy and he doesn't say much but when he does it's worth listening too.
I will never forget the night we were sitting in Luke's room and i think it was the first night Jayden had been home in four or five weeks and he was very, very ill. We sat there huddled at the end of Luke's bed (the kids were with nanna) and had the saddest conversation we have ever had in our lives. I knew at that moment that we were so together on this and nothing was going to stop us getting through this together.
It's been so hard on him but he always remains solid and never falls apart. I don't know how he does it and I'm sure he doesn't either. It's good for the kids though and I admire him for being able to do it. I try but sometimes it gets the better of me and a tear or two (or thousands) will come flooding out while I'm doing a mundane job like cutting carrots and it's all over for keeping it together.
Its late now and I'm laying next to my three favorite men in the world again and they are all snoring, again. Of course, I'm not. Jayden is squished right up next to me making it impossible to write this comfortably but I'm not moving him in fear of waking him.
Fathers day is special to dads and to their kids and what a true gift and honor it is to be a dad ( and mum of course). I think sometimes we take that gift for granted as many people are not so lucky.
I look at jayden and hes only two, but will he be one of the lucky ones. Will he get to grow older and be a dad? Most of us don't have to even think about that growing up, as it was a given that we would grow up, but not Jayden and many like him. Will they celebrate their fathers day one day?
I know if he did he would be a great dad, because his dad is. He would love his kids just as his dad does and he would do anything for them, just as his dad would. I know he would have some challenges along the way but i know he would overcome them as his dad has in his life. I hope he gets to be that dad and sit at a table with Danny and Luke One day And they all talk together about dad stuff.
That day, would be a great Fathers day.