Sunday, 9 September 2012

There is truly nothing more heartbreaking than knowing your child may die.  I try very hard not to think about it but am faced with that thought everyday. The days that i manage are the days I can keep that thought far back in my mind and the days that i don't that thought is near.

Today I opened the newspaper and read a story about a beautiful boy who lost his battle with a brain tumor At age four and the reality of our circumstances came flooding right back, along with it, that thought. With it came the most intense of all emotions and I found myself sobbing like a child. Danny was there and the kids were out. He said to me he tries to focus on the positives for if he went where I go he would truly fall apart.

I wish I could be more like Danny and focus on the positives. I wish I could truly believe everything was going to be ok but as his treatment nears an end I am increasingly nervous, extremely scared and frightened of Jaydens cancer returning.

I watched my kids today as we walked along the river and was reminded how simple life should be. They were so excited to be outside and running in the sand, splashing in the water-simple stuff. Living the moment. I thought how wonderful childhood is and how it's only as we become adults it becomes complicated. Jayden is no different. He lives for the moment, every minute, second he lives to its fullest. He never stops to ask why, he just keeps going. He rarely ever complains and he smiles and laughs OFTEN. Childhood could then be regarded as the best part of our lives. No worries, no heartbreak, no pain or loss. Maybe not entirely for some and possibly not for jayden considering what he's had to endure, but I know he doesn't spend a second of the day dwelling on it.
What I want for him and his siblings is a full and long happy life, more than anything in the world.

Every day I try to make sense of it all and everyday I get nothing. There are no answers or rule book for this. I wish somewhere somehow I could find peace from this agonizing pain and hurt. Be able to go back into the mind I had as a child and just live every second to its fullest. Be positive like Danny, find that day in the future I can focus on that I will spend with Jayden.  I want so much to have that future with him and for him to have it for himself. Every second i am with him and look at him I am wishing that for him.

Im watching him sleeping now and hes so peaceful. I love him with every beat of my heart and I so hope that I see him have that long and happy life. I dont want to be afraid of what will be, I dont want to cry anymore about what wont be, but I am so at a loss as to how to do that.

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