I'm laying next to my beautiful little man at the moment and he couldn't be closer to me. He's so tightly snuggled up to me and even though its uncomfortable to sleep sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way. I woke up this morning really sad. Nothing unusual really but today was particularly difficult. It doesn't help that sleep doesn't come easy for me or that his pump goes off In The night because he lays on his tube or that we have to give him medications in the night. But this morning was just hard.
I took my cup of tea outside to watch the kids play. Jayden trying desperately to keep up with his brother, Luke trying to keep Layla's interest and Layla just being Layla. I should have used this moment and others like it to bask in the enjoyment of just being with them but instead I thought of Jayden's illness and our new life. They soon dispersed and ended up going inside but I remained sitting there unable to budge. The sadness of my life covered me like a blanket and laid on me so heavy I couldn't move to get up. I didn't want to. I began to cry like I hadn't done in a while and remained sitting there allowing the tears to fall. My phone beeped several times with messages but I didn't read them. Nothing interested me at this point. I knew my sister was on her way over with her daughters to visit and I almost text her to cancel. I didn't want to see anyone. But I know my sister would have ignored that and come anyway so I didn't bother. It would have to be one of my yuckiest moments. A feeling of pain so deep, of complete exhaustion and defeat. The feeling that everything has finally got the better of me and I couldn't move on.
My sister soon arrived and with her was my other sister, her twin, whom is battling her own stuff. and they both gave me a big cuddle. I didn't think seeing them was going to make a jot of difference going by the way i was feeling, but it did. There is something so special about family and siblings that often there needs to be no words to truly understand what the other is feeling. we touched upon it briefly but i didn't need to expand. they knew, and they were there, and that meant a lot. They spent the whole morning playing with Jayden and making him laugh. He loves them both so much and squeals with delight when he sees them. He use to think they were one person until he saw them together and initially called them two Linda's. but now he knows one is Yvette and the other is linda, very funny. I remember Luke did the same thing when he was little. Yvette left just after lunch but linda remained for the rest of the day. She spent most of the time playing with Jayden while I caught up on some washing and putting clothes away and we chatted in between. It was so nice to hear him laughing and smiling, and it was oddly nice to do washing and housework. Having her company definitely helped me get through today.
She's gone now and we are all tucked up in bed. I'm still awake as always listening to the three men in my life snoring.
I'm thinking the same stuff I always think and consumed with the same worries, for life does not change here. I don't know how to escape the thoughts or overwhelming feeling of sadness. I don't know when it ever ends, if it does. All I know is its my life now and no one should have to live like this.