Tuesday, 30 October 2012
A super tough day
I was so tired last night that I didn't get to finish my blog entry. I never mentioned the wonderful woman I had coffee with in the morning or the response I got from Nick and Dr goldman in relationship to my concerns about Jayden.
But before I do, he woke again this morning and vomited straight after his milk just like the other day and the two days before that. Yesterday he didn't and I thought we were on a win but last night when we went to bed he sat up and asked for a sick bowl. He didn't vomit but you could see in his face he was trying desperately to hold one back. He succeeded but not for long as this morning he did.
My gut feeling is its back. Just like my gut feeling in November of last year.
I sat with him in my arms this morning after he vomited and cuddled him tight. We watched TV Together and I didn't want to let him go. I had lunches to make, uniforms to sort, washing to do etc but none of it mattered right then. It can all wait. As I know there will only be so many of these hugs I will get and then one day they may be gone, forever.
I'm having a really shit day today and I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I feel so desperately alone and so damn sad and I just want it all to stop. People have said I'm an inspiration but I just can't see it. Right now I feel like I'm doing such a crap job of it. I know I should be smiling and enjoying my beautiful son while he's here and I worry I will live to regret spending so many days sad with him when I should have been happy. Today however is super tough. My husband seems to have become so distant at the moment that I feel even more alone than I did before. We deal with things so differently and right now I just feel like he's absent even though he's here.
I feel like I can't breath properly again and I know it's the anxiety. I so yearn for my healthy boy back and my normal life. I just want to be able to get up in the morning and not hurt. Not feel so shit everyday and not so bloody sad.
I'm doing all the things they tell me to do, take antidepressants, see a counsellor but nothing is taking this overwhelming sadness that covers me every day. I want to laugh again and really mean it, have those moments of happiness that last for ages rather than a few seconds. It's so very, very hard.
I met with a beautiful woman yesterday for coffee. A true inspiration and someone I feel I will forever know and have as a friend. After being with her I was able to get through the day and remember what's important and try to focus on that. I'm trying to remember her words and say them over in my head today but sometimes this sadness is so overwhelming that no words are enough.
Yesterday I received a letter from Dr Goldman telling me I should get Dr Nick to see Jayden immediately and at the very minimum get Jaydens ventricles checked. He said if it has come back this soon then he is very glad we never did round three as that would not have been helpful. That same day I get a phone call from Dr Nick who tells me it's not likely to be back and not too worry and he's sure there's some other explanation and just to see how he goes in the next week or so? How different two doctors opinions can be on the exact same topic? If there is anything Anyone who reads this blog can learn from this is that to never ever take the word of just one doctor for Anything you are truly worried about as their opinions can be so different.
Im sitting in a carpark over looking the swan river with my little man asleep in his chair. I went and saw my sister earlier and now I'm parked and writing here. It's a cloudy and windy day. I watch the trees blowing in the wind and try to remember to breath, to relax. The tightness in my chest is unbearable and I just want to cry. Sometimes it's so unbearable I just want to die. But that thought is quickly diminished because I have three beautiful children that need me. It's them that keep me going. It's their smiles when they come home from school that reminds me to suck it up. Their hugs in the morning their chatter about stuff and things and their blissful unawareness of how shit life can be. It's beautiful. I want to be inside their heads and feel that unawareness again. Pretend that nothing is bad in our life and truly live like that.
There is no doubt the best thing in my life is my children. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them all and what wonderful medicine they are for me. No money can buy that. Their unconditional love, everything about them. They are all so individual and so very special.
I wish I could be guaranteed to see them all grow old. But I know there are no guarantees in life. Only today. I know I'll get through today because I have to. And tomorrow. But I'm buggared if I know how to stop this damn hurting.
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