Wednesday, 3 October 2012

An argument

I often wonder how my relationship manages to survive under such stressful circumstances and some days like today it's barely hanging in there. It's never really about how much the other one does or doesn't do or how much they annoy, irritate or drive u nuts but more about how enormously stressful and sad this situation is on a daily basis and the very real need to blame someone. Anyone. More often than not that person becomes your partner, the one you are most close to and whom is equally sharing your pain and stress.
I love my partner dearly but sometimes I hate him too, not often but usually when I'm at my wits end, I'm tired, scared and so very sad but i don't see it as those things and I wind up blaming him. it will come out in the most absurd situation and when he's not firing on all four cylinders either its game on and its not pretty. a long time spent yelling trying to put your point across and being right, when reAlly you don't know what your point really is just that your so damn mad and angry you need to take it out on somebody. The sheer exhaustion of the argument and time after to think leaves you more tattered than you were to begin with and wondering when will all this shit end??
You're are soon snapped out of it as you push your sons stroller through the city to go to an appointment to get his hearing checked and him fitted for hearing aids, we arrive at the doors, and the silence has broken. we know we need each other again and we are in this together and no argument is going to stop that.
There is no doubt in our minds however that we are truly struggling and that this is very very difficult. We hurt in different ways, express it differently and cope differently but we are the same. We are both Jayden's parents and we both live and breath this every second of everyday.
I wonder often how we manage it and today was probably a day we needed in order to remind us that we are only human and there is only so much we can tAke. That somehow we have to keep digging further in order to keep afloat and remember that no one is to blame.

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