Im sitting with my boys watching a DVD that I am sure that have seen a hundred times before. It's Sunday afternoon and I'm very aware that had we gone through round three it would be beginning right now. Every now and then I get a ping of regret and uncertainty and I'm sure I always will but then I remember the words Doctor Goldman said before we made this decision. He said; " if you decide to only do two you can never regret that decision as no doctor can tell you three is better, we just don't have the evidence or knowledge yet, you make the decision based on your family as there are no facts to base the decision on ". So god forbid this tumor comes back I will never look back thinking its because we didn't do round three but rather it's a very shit cancer and no amounts of mega chemotherapy was going to stop it.
I bloody hate living with this constant time bomb though. Waiting, wondering if and when it will come back? Will it be the next MRI the one after or the one after that. Will he make it to Christmas? So many unknowns and I'm so very scared. Scared for him, scared for what he will endure should it come back. Scared that he will miss so much of his life and spend his last days suffering. This whole scenario sucks so much and every where Around me peoples lives just go on but ours is forever on hold. People celebrating birthdays, new babies, weddings, engagements, housewarmings and I find it hard to even get through the day. Some days I'm just plain angry that this has happened to our family and other days I'm so damn sad. Today I'm a little cranky and a lot sad. I'm sure it's made more significant being the day involved but just, I don't know, it's just all crap.
We went away yesterday, just for the night to a farm stay near my dads farm. We were going to stay at his farm but then decided it would be better for us to be on our own and visit him instead. It was nice to get away, away from everything tHat reminds us of the situation, well at least as much as possible. When we got there it was so nice just to sit and watch the kids play, feed the animals later and just all be together. All three kids got on great, it was really nice and a reminder we have to do this more often.
My dad and his partner joined us in the afternoon while the kids fed the animals. Its always so nice to see him. I love my dad he's a beautiful kind, gentle man. He's always been there for me. He has a huge heart and is a big softy. That afternoon I was reminded how special he is and how much he loves. He stood with me at the gate where we were watching Layla feed the sheep, horse and cows and I had jayden on my hip. Not much was said, we just stood next to each other watching, we briefly talked about how much Layla has such a way with animals but mainly just enjoyed being near each other. Jayden was getting really tired and asked to go back to our chalet. I asked dad to walk back with me and he did. Before we moved he reached out his arms to jayden and asked him if he wanted him to carry him. Jayden went to him, no questions asked, and snuggled into his shoulder. Jayden hasn't let anyone else carry him as of late not even danny and that's one of the reasons I'm worried he's not well. But dad, he just went to him, like he really wanted too, needed to. My dad is the best cuddler in the world and he held on to jayden like it was the last time he would hold him, I sure hope that won't be the case.
We walked down the driveway of the farm towards our chalet, just like that, jayden in dads arms with his little eyes peering over dads shoulders and me looking on. I could see in dads eyes the pain of all this mess and I wanted to cry. He asked me how I was managing and I told him, best I can. We kept walking and half way down he stopped as jayden was getting heavy and he was struggling to carry him. I said I could take him but he insisted he carry him all the way. He didn't want to let him go. It was so beautiful. My dad loves him so much and nothing was going to make him let him go. We got to the chalet and he gently put jayden down inside and collapsed on the closest chair. He was buggared. Jayden walked off to grab his Lego cars and brought them back to dad and began playing with them at his feet.
He just loves being near my dad jayden does and I'm sure it's because he knows how much he loves him and he loves dad.
It's evening now and the boys are waiting for their books and bed. Not a day will go by where I don't wish for my little boy to be the well boy he once was and not a day goes by where my heart does not ache for just that.
I can only hope that sleep comes tonight for me and I always remember and cherish every moment I have with my little man and my other two kids. For every moment I have with them is a true blessing and a gift....
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