Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I'm sitting in the car yet again while my beautiful little man snoozes. The kids are at school and Danny's out working. I'm in a shopping car park of all things as danny needs us to pick him up but I don't know how long he'll be. For that reason I thought I'd start writing.

I had my first full nights sleep last night and funny enough I feel even more tired than before. I think I finally slept through due to sheer exhaustion and worry. I have been so anxious these last couple of days as I have been so worried jaydens tumor has come back already. I know too well that this can happen and its got me stressed out to the absolute nth degree. When we woke up this morning i gave jayden his milk and sat there waiting with a bowl for him to vomit. For the first time in days he didn't and i felt like screaming at the top of my lungs with joy. Instead i danced around the room and then gave him loads of cuddles aNd kisses. Im sure my kids think I'm crazy. And in some small way I am. I know I'm going crazy with living with this anxiety, there's no doubt about that.

I can't even put words to how it feels to live like this on a day to day basis. I can't put words that can truly describe how painful it is. To live constantly reminding yourself to smile when your around your kids and have a happy demeanor when all you really want to do is cry and wish life was different. The constant anxiety every time I see my little man vomit, wobble on his feet and fall down or any other symptom that I can associate with recurrence is truly unbearable. Yesterday was definitely one of my hardest days.

Yesterday I didn't know how I was going to get through the morning let alone the whole day. I eventually phoned a beautiful lady I met when we were in the states who also has a child with the same condition. She would have to be one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. She told me that she wishes she could say it got easier, that with time I won't be so anxious but she couldn't. This is my life now and somehow someway I have to find a way to get through it. I haven't found it yet and I'm guessing I won't anytime soon and that maybe I just have to hope with each morning that the day it brings is less harder than the one before. I'm not sure if that's possible, I'm not sure about anything. I only know for certain that this road is the most difficult road I've ever travelled and truly the most painful.

Its evening now and I'm shattered.....

3 comments:

  1. Yesterday is gone, today is here and tommorrow is the unknown. Saying's can be crap and hollow, but this is a mantra that hopefully if you hold onto it, will help you find a little light to help you through your days. Love to you Brave Mumma and stay strong Jayden xx

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  2. Liesl you are that inspiring person to many of us. I hold Jayden in prayers and believe that he will be better, power of positive thinking ;). Lots of love Natalie

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  3. I know your feelings, I feel them too. I was spilling over with the anxiety, anger, depression. I finally took 1 hour a week to meet with a therapist. I am not fixed, I'm still working through it because you're right, it just doesn't seem to end or get entirely better. But, the techniques she gave me, when I remember to do them, they do help. Take an hour, 2 hours, something for your own emotional and mental health. You'll be better for the kids if you do, and for yourself. I promise. xoxo

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