Saturday, 6 October 2012

It's Sunday and my sister is still staying with us much to the delight of Jayden and the rest of us but today she spent the day with my other sister Yvette which was much needed no doubt for both of them.

im sitting in the car right now parked in a car park near the river with the engine running. Jayden is sitting in the back in his chair fast asleep. he wanted to go for a drive so we knew he wanted to sleep . i should be sleeping too as i have never felt so tired as i have done these last few weeks . i feel as though I'm running on empty and desperately need to refuel but i have no idea how. it doesn't matter how early i get to bed I'm still exhausted when i wake up. I have limited energy for my kids and even more limited patience. I've become this grumpy, unavailable mum and I hate it. I try to spend time with them but its hard. Jayden always wants me and to be apart from him can be tricky. I feel as if I'm slowly losing the connections I have with my other kids and I don't know how to get them back. It's so damn hard to live under these circumstances and it's impossible to explain to someone who isn't living it.
When I took off to take Jayden for a drive all I wanted to do was go somewhere, drive somewhere where I could take a breather. A time out from this shit of a life. But there's no where. No where I can take my son where he isn't living the life he's living. No where I can take him to make it all better. This truly sux.
I drove past where I use to live as a kid and tried to take myself back there in thought and remember when life was easy. I just wanted to go to a place, anywhere that allowed me to breath even if just for a few moments. But it's difficult to go somewhere in your mind when your mind is so filled with other stuff. I never knew back then before Jayden or my kids how easy life was nor did I know it possible to love another human being as much as I love my kids. I never knew back then that one day I would be a mum and suffer an indescribable pain so bad from witnessing my child so ill. I wish I knew how good it was back then and I wish for a moment in time I could have that feeling again. The feeling where I could breath again. I miss that. I miss not hurting and I miss the mother I once was. I feel like my kids are now only getting what's left of me, the bit that's still hanging in there. And I feel so sorry for them. Their childhood has become one of watching their brother fight for his life and their parents barely hanging in there to keep it all together.
I feel like they are fading into the distance and I'm desperately trying to hang on To them. i dont know how to fix it and i worry every day I'm missing out on them growing up because im so preoccupied with what is. i know i cant change the future or see into it. but that doesn't stop this incredible pain. I love my kids beyond words and that love has turned to pain within me as I can't be the mother to them that I want to be. It doesn't stop me trying but I feel like I haven't anything in reserve anymore. I truly thought that when Jayden's treatment stopped it would become easier. I can't believe what a fool I was to think that. Right now I'm feeling the most defeated I've felt in my life. I know I have to see someone to help me get through this and danny and I plAn to as soon as we get time. But we also know there's no quick solution to this. Nothing is going to make it right or us wake up and feel good again.
All I want to do is wrap all my kids up in my arms and take them away somewhere from all this shit and be able to laugh with them and play with them without a second thought of all this shit. For them to be kids and have life be and feel easy for them as it should be. Not watching their parents struggle or their brother suffer. That's not the childhood I want for any of my children for that is when life should be easy....

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