After many calls last night to answering machines and emails back and forth I finally got hold of Dr Goldman this morning.
I had a long chat with him, it is always nice to hear his voice and what he has to say. Unfortunately though we are no nearer to a decision than we were before. I think I was just hoping Dr Goldman would have cleared it all up for me and told me which way to go. But he can't and I know that, but i will always wish for that miracle. It's very difficult as a parent that when you go to the people that are meant to have the answers and they don't, then where do you go from there? We have to make a decision on treatment for our child with no medical background at all, as we know the answer as well as the people who do have a medical background and that is, there is no right answer.
If we go back we risk his life again or hope that Nick is right and Jayden will more than likely be fine or we opt out now and say enough is enough????
What dr Goldman did say is that we could never regret our decision if we chose to do two because no doctor can tell us that three is better as no one knows. It would be entirely different if they said three would fix him and we said no. He's right but why then do I still feel so torn. A huge part of me does not want to go back but is that just because I can't stand to witness my son being so sick again or is it indeed my gut instinct that says he's had enough?
I don't know.
I want to be able to say this is it and stand firm and positive behind that decision and be fully confident it's the right one but I can't. The doctors can't and they're are meant to be the specialist so how can I? It's shit. I want so much for it to be over but I know it never truly will. I know no matter how hard I wish for it to be done, it won't be. There will never be an end to this. The treatment maybe, eventually but not the agonising pain of the thought of losing my son.
I cherish every moment I have with him, every smile he gives me and laugh I hear from his mouth for I know one day it may be his last.
I wish so much that I could fix it for him, that's my job. And I wish so much I knew the answers to the questions I want so desperately answered. But there is none.
I'm stuck in the middle and wish that some defining moment or information could be placed in front of me to tell me which way to go, I want to be making the right decision for my son as its his life we are talking about but I don't know what it is.
He gets his MRI on Thursday and that will let us know if any tumour has grown back. I'm hoping with all my might that it hasn't but other than that there's nothing I can do. I only have hope and I so wish it were enough.
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