I'm sitting next to my son sleeping and watching him blissfully resting. Wishing I could be doing the same but it seems lately I have a bad case of insomnia. Would all be fine if it were possible to manage on little to no sleep but we all know that can't be done although I have to say over the last six months I've had a good crack at it. What's worse is the lack of sleep makes for a cranky mum and that is something i really don't want to be. I even growled at Jayden today and it made him cry, which made me feel Like the worse mother in the world. Guilt is a word i discovered when i became a mother but never more so than at that moment, sick child, crying, because I'm cranky. Awful, awful, feeling. Poor little man, as if he hasn't been through enough. I spent the rest of the day and evening trying to make up for it.
Its the next day now, sunday morning. I had yet another crap night sleep and I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever end. Jayden woke up and did a huge vomit this morning just like yesterday morning and i cant help but ask myself, surely not? Surely it hasn't come back already? How bloody unlucky could we possibly be? I don't even want to think about it but how can I not? I so don't want him to be spending Christmas in hospital and I know I shouldn't think like that but I also know this is a savage cancer and a very real crappy possibility. Honestly, this is so unfair. If it did come back that soon I would have to ask myself why did I bother with treatment at all. And I'll certainly know that the mega therapy was a complete waste of time and only proved to torture my son for nothing. I still can't believe it's the only form of treatment that the medical profession provides. It's so hard not to be angry sometimes and even harder not to be when I'm so damn tired.
The kids are out playing By the mulberry tree, Luke and jayden both love eating them and Layla and Luke love picking them. I can hear jayden and Luke arguing now, doesn't take long. the nicest part of their relationship is its so normal. I love that Luke doesn't treat him any different, it makes jayden feel normal then and it's so healthy.
The other day I took them both over to the park and they both wanted to play down the oval, as we headed down there I realized some mums from school were there and I felt a huge panic attack kick in. I told the boys we couldn't go and headed back to the park. Jayden was mortified and Luke wasn't too happy either but in some way seemed to understand. When we finally got home he asked me ' why didn't you want to go to the oval mum?' I said " I'm just not feeling like I can talk to some people just yet Luke. I will one day but not today?". He said "is that because they ask you about jayden and then you talk about him and that makes you cry?" and I said "yes darling that's right. One day I will be able to but not today." hes so intuitive it amazes me. So wonderful with his brother and so aware it's amazing.
It's not that I don't like people asking me about jayden because it would actually bother me if they didn't, I just think not everybody knows what to say or do and if I do start crying that may make others uncomfortable and i know it has in the past and I don't want to make people uncomfortable as that is not helpful at all. I believe I should feel ok about having a cry but not everyone has to bear witness to that. That's why I reserve those conversations to those beautiful friends of mine that are happy to lend an ear and a shoulder and sometimes cry with me.
Today was one of those days where i desperately needed to cry. The thought of jaydens cancer already returning was so overwhelming that i felt a huge need to ring one of my friends and ball my eyes out. Then i remembered what my councillor said and that was, to be ok with the feeling of the fear of losing him, acknowledge it, that it is a possibility but then put it away somewhere and leave it. Easier said than done of course. But I realized all the worrying in the world is not going to stop it coming back. That I just enjoy today and be the best mum I can be because that's what I do have control over. Not his cancer or what happens in the future.
I wish I did have control of it but I don't.
By the end of the day however, i did have that cry. Danny came up to me and asked me if i was ok as i sorted the washing. out it came. Im just so very scared and theres no getting around that.
I wish there were. I wish I could feel at ease with it all, find some real peace. What a bloody nightmare I'm living that I just don't get to wake up from.
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