It's been so nice not having Jayden's Broviac in anymore. He was able to have a bath with his brother last night for the first time since before this whole nightmare began. It made my heart melt to see them together again in the bath but an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me when I thought about why it was they hadn't bathed for so long together. A special moment is often ruined now by the thought of why it is that that moment is so special. What I use to take for granted is gold to me now and I will never forget why that is so.
Luke and Jayden had such a lovely time in the bath like too old friends catching up again after a long spell apart. Silly really as obviously they see each other all the time but it was really exciting for them to be in the bath together again, and to not have to worry about lines getting splashed. brilliant to see. i love my kids and watching them happy together is truly the best thing ever.
We decided today we would go away for the night, nothing fancy. We just wanted to be with the kids and not do anything else or have any other distractions. It's been really nice and the freedom that comes without that Broviac is wonderful.
I still find myself being careful when I go to pick him up, take on and off his shirts, and put him in the car seat and having to remind myself it's not there anymore. He doesn't seem to care either way but its great not to have to worry so much. especially when he and luke are playing. i no longer have to panic if they climb the couch or bed in fear that Jayden's lines might get caught or when they wrestle. they now have the freedom to be normal brothers again which is so good for them.
I'm so happy to see his little body again. His precious little two year old body, free from anything hanging from it. Looking as it should be, and all I want to do is hold him, cuddle him and give him big kisses. I'm just so very happy to have him all back the way he once was. I know it's not exactly the same and the fear of his cancer returning is often overwhelming but I'm trying to be happy for today and what we have right now.
And what I have is a beautiful little man that has fought his little heart out to get this far and I just can't stop cuddling him. I never want to stop doing that. I never want that pure joy taken away and I'm truly petrified of that. I watch him now laying asleep next to me and I know I couldn't possibly love anything or anyone more than I love him and his brother and sister. I hope with all my heart that with each breath he takes he gets stronger and keeps fighting within his small body to stop this revolting cancer coming back. I am so very frightened for him and I try so very hard not to think about it but I'm scared. Really scared.
He's just a magic little man. He's been so happy while we've been away staying somewhere different. As long as he's with us he doesn't care where he is and neither do we. All that matters is we are together, he gets that and I'm so very grateful we are.
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