Tuesday, 6 November 2012

I saw a lady bug land on jaydens shoulder today and watched, thinking how much I hope it does, in fact mean good luck. I never thought much about things like that before but now I cling to them for some hope. If there is a god, miracles, good luck, whatever, then I hope they are real and keep my son, all my kids, healthy and well.

I'm a little stumped for words again today because I feel like my head is a jumble of emotions , no one thought is sticking and I switch from one thought to the other but all clouded with anxiety.

I'm sitting in my car again while my son sleeps and I'm watching parents pull up in their cars to pick their kids up from school. One walks quickly to catch up to another mum and begin idle chatter, laugh, smile. It's truly gut wrenching to know everyone's lives just move along while your own is so changed. I feel like that time has gone for me forever and I know i am no longer the person I once was.

Watching mums pick up their healthy kids and having absolutely no idea of the life I'm living is awful, sad and lonely. I so yearn for their lives. I wish that could be me again and more than anything I wish that could be jayden -healthy, well. I wish I could have that skip in my step and catch up to a mum for a chat about stuff and things like whats for dinner and whether i paid the swimming lesson money yet.
I wish that was all i had to worry about, simple stuff.

I still have those things to think about but they are the concerns I like as they give me a small sense of normalcy. When i have to organize dinner, i enjoy it. If its overcooked, i don't care, because I'm doing it. When I wash my kids clothes and put them away I like it. I'm so glad To be doing it again as I know not long ago I couldn't as I wasn't here. Instead I was living in a hospital room with my son. That was no doubt the saddest point in all our lives so now when I peg the clothes on the line I'm so relieved I'm the one who's doing it and not someone else who had to fill in to help.

We finally let go of Jaydens cot this weekend. A member of a church took it to give to a couple that had nothing. We gave them all his baby clothes and baby toys as well and were glad to know it went to someone who needed them. It was sad to pack them up as it is for any mum but especially when they are a reminder of a time my son was well, before this nightmare. Each outfit reminded me of a moment, a smile, a milestone. Each toy the same. All of it filled with memories of a time when things were easy even though back then I had no idea how it was. There's no doubt I made it hard for myself back then and no doubt I thought I had big things to worry about but now I know I didn't. life was great then, truly brilliant. I know that because I have something very real to compare it to now.

I'm still watching the mums.
I wish I could feel in my heart the easiness they feel, the ability to breath without pain, have some sense of peace.
My life now is so very different from before and so incredibly hard I truly battle with how to live it well. I want to be able to take a breath so big it sucks in all the pain then blow it out so hard so it goes away forever. But with each breath out the pain is sucked back in.

I picked up my son today from school. A very hard thing to do. In the thick of all the mums I envy. Longing for The life I once had. He was so happy to see me and I him. It's when I'm with my kids I'm reminded there is a beautiful life I do have, with them, that somehow I have to find a way within me to truly have peace and enjoy it. I haven't found it yet, but I long to.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Wishing for the past

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