Wednesday, 21 November 2012

I'm not sure where to begin with this entry. My first thoughts is of how quickly I can be reminded of how devastating Jayden's cancer is when a beautiful lady I know who also has a son with ATRT was told her sons tumour has returned. The words I dread hearing but know very well it's a very big possibility we will hear them too one day. I know deep down that this nightmare is not over and that it will continue, And it scares me beyond words.

I'm watching my beautiful boy sleeping right now and i cant believe to this day what he has been through already at two years of age. how cruel this is. He never did anything wrong, neither did any other child like him. I don't understand why this happens and I truly never will.
My heart goes out to this beautiful family whom are about to travel the shocking road to treatment again and I'm suddenly petrified of the future.
I'm so scared of what's around the corner it makes me feel ill. I thought I was feeling strong earlier when I was holding him in my arms just after I found out the news and thought to myself how much I just have to focus on today and be grateful he is in my arms right now. But now it's later in the night and I just want to cry. I can't not be scared for the future. I don't want to go there. I can't bare the thought of it and to this day I don't know how we did it the first time round. When I think about it it horrifies me, gives me nightmares at night and I'd hate to think what it does to Jayden's dreams.
I can't even imagine what this beautiful woman is thinking right now because i don't want to go there in my head, its painful and its really, really scary. but I do know I wish I could change it for her. No one deserves to travel this road, no one.

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