Sunday, 18 November 2012

Missed party

I'm laying in our bed next to my beautiful little man and next to him is my husband snoring as loud as anyone could possibly snore. Honestly, I'm sure the ground shakes somewhat with every breath he takes.

Jayden's had a good day. He vomited like always first thing immediately after his cup of very weak tea, but not again for the rest of the day. There are so many types of vomits a person can do and we are familiar with all of Jayden's now. Yesterday's was a projectile one in which there was no chance we were going to catch that, but it was quick and over in a second. Today's was expected and we caught it but it went on and on for a while. It's awful to watch him going through it because we all know its an uncomfortable and extremely unpleasant thing to do. But theres nothing anyone can do about it.
its hard to be in this world of 'not able to fix' when it comes to your child's health. hard to even imagine. His cancer, they have no known 'cure', his vomiting they have never been able to stop for any length of time and now the brain damage they are not absolutely sure that the steroids will 'fix it' but rather will use them to try and 'treat it'. I'm confused.
I'm also tired right now and somewhat a little irritable. Sometimes im so cranky about this whole journey and other days I'm just sad. Today I'm tired, cranky, sad and a little fed up. I think I just get so damn frustrated that I can't change this situation or fix it. That my family and I have to live it everyday and I can't change that. I'm mum, and I should be able to make it better but I can't. I still find it difficult to come to terms with that but then this whole situation is difficult to come to terms with.

We had a party we were invited to go to last night and danny and I didn't go. Normally we would of and especially being it was our neighbour whom We know very well. But we both knew we weren't up for general chit chat amongst strangers. Neither of us are in that headspace and I'm not sure when that will come, if ever. I tried to explain to them earlier in the day as to why we wouldn't be there but I felt no matter how I worded it they just couldn't understand. They nodded politely and said 'no worries' but I knew they had no idea how we really felt. Danny went over today though with the boys and had a drink with them and some lunch which was far more doable as it was just the people he knew well.

We stayed at home the night of the party with the kids and heard music playing and people laughing. But as I snuggled up to my kids reading them books I knew there was no place I'd rather be. No party, no celebration. Everyday I have my three kids with me IS a celebration, nothing is better than that and I'm so grateful for everyone of those days.

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