I'm sitting in PMH waiting room in ward 3b. Danny and I have an appointment with the councillor today. I have the overwhelming feeling of sadness every time I come here but today more than ever.
Jayden vomited more than once this morning. I had thought as long as he just did it the once everyday, then maybe that's not so bad and could have some simple explanation. but as soon as it were to increase I knew I would panic. He vomited the first time as expected this morning then half an hour later and then almost did a third not long after that. I emailed nick immediately and asked if we could have a scan. He's organised one for tomorrow. An MRI in the afternoon.
So today when I'm sitting In the waiting room of Ward 3B I'm desperately trying to hold back the tears. The memories of our time here and now the possibility of it returning is truly too much to bare. A beautiful woman comes up and politely introduces herself and tells me she follows Jayden's page and adds that she is there for me. I ask her her name and thank her. What a wonderful, kind woman who know doubt has her own difficult journey shes travelling. When she walks away I start to cry.
I'm so very sad. I thought I had been doing pretty well these last couple of days but evidently I hadn't for as soon as we entered the councillors office I fell to pieces and stayed that way for most of the hour. I found myself not being able to talk without crying and was overwhelmed by all the emotion inside of me.
I'm truly terrified of what's around the corner and even though I know it's no way to live its almost impossible most days not to be. Especially today.
Cancer has taken so much away from us and I often have no energy to fight it by pretending everything's ok when it's not.
So when i spend a few days just coping its only a matter Of time before it all comes crashing down and given the events of today it's no real surprise it did today at that time.
We left the session exhausted and keen to return home to Jayden. His nanna looked after him while we were out and he had fallen asleep on the floor just before we arrived home. He just looked so beautiful with his little pillow and sound asleep on our lounge room floor with Sesame Street playing in the background. Watching him made me want to start crying again. I just love this little man so much and I don't want to lose him. The thought of that is so overwhelmingly gut wrenching its truly unbearable.
Nanna left soon after and Danny and i talked about the day. soon after that i picked Luke and Layla up from school. I don't even want to go there right now with that experience today. It just wasn't the best day for me to do pick up, enough said.
We also had family photos done this afternoon that I had completely forgotten I had organised. Fortunately they were taken at home so we didn't have to go anywhere. We all smiled for them and looked happy but inside i think each of us understands to some degree the significance of them. It was hard, but they are so important especially to me. No matter what happens this is my family, the five of us. It will always be five no matter what and I want pictures of that. Happy ones, beautiful ones. All of us together. Memories that will hang on my walls forever. I so hope we get to update them every year for years to come.
I'm now laying next to my little man and my eyes hurt and I'm tired. I've cried enough tears today to sink a battleship and I think my eyes are now keen to shut. That's what I'm going to do and hope that sleep comes quickly.
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