I never wrote in this blog yesterday, I couldn't. I think I get to a point when i become so stressed and upset that i emotionally shut down and just become numb. I have no words then. At least that's how I felt yesterday. I think my mind and body had to just stop and feel nothing for a while to recuperate and be ready for the next onslaught.
Sadly I was so numb yesterday that often throughout the day I didn't notice my kids speaking to me or wanting my attention until they acted up or yelled. I hate it when I become like that. I hate that they have lost their mum in someways and what is left is not the mum they once had. I wish I could be that for them again and believe me I try. But my heart gets in the way and inside I hurt so much.
Danny and I had yet another shocking day yesterday but this morning we were able to talk without anger and put our differences aside. Thankfully we do seem to manage to get there in the end but sometimes like recently I was really worried. I know I can't do this without him and I wouldn't want to, it's hard enough.
I'm now sitting in the car yet again with my beautiful little man sleeping. We are in front of a park that sits near the river. I remember coming here a while back with Jayden when he was well and he was just walking. Layla was with us, just the three of us. I have photos of that day and I look at them now and can't believe how life has changed. I can't believe back then That he had a tumor growing in the back of his head and we are where we are now. When I drive along the Highway towards PMH I remember all the days I did that and how it never felt like it was going to end. It hasn't but the visits for now have and hopefully forever.
There's no real end to the pain of having a child diagnosed with cancer. No end and certainly no happy ending. There maybe some relief for a time but no end. I don't believe so. The diagnosis is devastating, the treatment horrific and the journey to what you hope to be a full recovery is tainted with anxiety and fear of it returning. The enormous pressure of that weight you carry on your shoulders infests your relationships, life and parenting. To recognize it can be difficult sometimes and the tidal wave of emotions that come with it can cloud your better judgement in everything.
I'm struggling, I know I am. I'm scared. I don't really know how anyone couldn't be in this situation. I only know to take little steps everyday, try not to think of what could be as much as that is almost impossible and be happy to have him here with me now.
It's a few hours later and I'm ready for bed. A much better day was had today and obviously helped by the fact that danny and I are back where we should be- a team. The kids are happier, we are happier and everyone benefitted. I had some beautiful moments with jayden and took some fabulous photos of all the kids.
A nice start to the weekend.
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