Sunday, 4 November 2012

Sometimes I just don't have the words to write in this blog and other times it flows like a waterfall. Today is a day I'm a little lost. But I will start by giving an update on Jayden. He is still vomiting in the mornings and I received an email from Nick to tell us to bring him in on Wednesday to get him checked out, finally. I wish there was a simple reason for his vomiting only in the morning but it's giving me a sick feeling in my stomach.
I hope when he sees him on Wednesday there will indeed be some simple explanation.

We have been indoors all day due to the weather and it tends to send us all a little stir crazy. Noone more so than my middle child Luke. Danny and I are truly struggling with him at the moment and don't know what to do next. He's a beautiful caring child and wonderful with his brother and sister, but he is also highly emotional and gets very upset very easily. We are battling with him because he flies off the handle at the drop of a hat and we are usually left dumb founded as to what started it and why on earth he is so upset about it. Again I think this is a case of the real reason behind his emotions has very little to do with the actual thing he is getting upset about, whatever that may be and more about this whole situation.

I really feel for my other kids and particularly Luke. He is only six and wasn't ready to be torn away from me in the beginning of this year nor ready to have to grow up so fast. So much was expected of him so suddenly and I truly think this is still the ripple effect from all of that. He often feels attacked by everyone, even though that is not what is happening and has a 'everyone is picking on me' feeling all the time. He has said on occasion that no one loves him and they only care about jayden and that's usually in the context of me specifically.

He asked me one night why he no longer sleeps in my bed as jayden does now and he sleeps In a bed next to us. I told him he use to but no longer wanted to. Sadly that was my recollection but he reminded me I was wrong, he said "mum I still want cuddles, I never stopped wanting to sleep in your bed". I suddenly realized he was right and that's not how it happened at all. In fact before jayden was diagnosed Luke use to sleep in our bed almost every night. Then all of a sudden jayden and I were in hospital and Luke was left to sleep in his own room, often woke up crying because I wasn't there and then when I finally returned home jayden is now in our bed and he isn't. There was never a time where he got to say 'I'm old enough not to now thanks mum' like Layla, she just eventually grew out of it and slept In Her own room in her own bed.

He woke up last night from a terrible nightmare and asked to jump into bed with us but when he looked at jayden sleeping diagonal on the bed and taking what room was left up he said no. I tried to convince him we could make room but he got into his bed and I felt like crying. My poor little man, my whole family. Everyone has been effected by this and it's so hard for each and every one of us.
No one can truly begin to imagine the effect and tole cancer takes on an entire family. you wouldn't want to.

It's the next day now and jayden is sitting on my lap eating pancakes. He didn't vomit today but did yesterday. I don't know what it all means and I hope some answers become available on Wednesday but I suspect without a scan they won't know anymore than us.

Today is Another day to travel and another day to be grateful I have all my three kids with me. I can only hope I get to count a million more.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

1 comment:

  1. I sit here and read your blogs and say to myself I have been there. My older son was also 6 when his brother was diagnosed. It was very hard on him and still is. He used to say the same things to me and always wondered why I stay with Connor. We have been out of treatment 1 year now and my older guy still has a hard time handling his emotions. A lot of time his anger is directed at his brother he never hits him but will yell. He sometimes tell me you would be happier if I was sick because Connor is your baby. We have had the social worker at school working with him. It has helped she gave me some good advice. She told me in his world he is waiting for the bomb to drop. He lives at a very heightened security because he knows tomorrow could be the day Connor gets sick again. He also picks up on my stress. The longer Jayden is out of treatment the easier it will become to control ur emotions. Don't get me wrong I go to bed every night worried that his tumor will come back but I enjoy every great day Connor has. As his MRI's approach I become very stressed but every clean scan gives me three months of relief. I live my life in three month time frames. Connor is do for his next scan in December and as long as everything is clear I will make plans for next three months. As soon as treatment ends it is the scariest time. It will get better. Luke will get better give him time. At night put Jayden to bed any lay with Luke for a while then go back to Jayden that is what I do.