Tuesday, 11 December 2012

A visit

I didnt have the best experience today and am frustrated with the emotional rollercoaster i seem to be endlessly on. A moment, some words and Im back on the downward spiral to feeling like absolute crap.
The sheer mention of Jaydens condtion or chances of survival are enough to make me feel ill inside. My stomach feels like its turning itself inside out and my chest aches like a knife is slowly working its way in.
It's not that I don't know his chances are slim, because I do. You only have to google his condition and the information on the chances of survival is overwhelmingly dismal. But if I woke up every morning believing he had absolutely no chance then I simply would fall in a heap and be useless to anyone. I have to have a part of me that believes he will make it. That he will live to a ripe old age and be happy, otherwise I wouldn't get through this nightmare.
I visited a person today and whilst I was there she showed me photos of her kids when they were younger and they were beautiful photos but only made me think about Jayden. They were pictures of her kids young and happy and now I know them as all grown up, talk about gut wrenching. I know no one means to upset me when they do things like that as its a perfectly normal thing to do, show someone pictures. And so I never say anything or show my emotion and nod and smile at the correct times. But inside I'm crying. Inside I just want to scream and shout how bloody unfair this is.

I can't put words to it and truly never will find those words as there isn't any that truly fit how awful and sad this is.
I left in the car with Jayden and smiled goodbye but as soon as we got down the road I got so choked up I just wanted to ball my eyes out. I didn't as Jayden was in the car and instead I sucked it up, drove and wished so bad that I didn't feel so damn alone and sad.

My beautiful now fat little man was sitting in the back gibbering away and I looked at him and just can't believe how unfair this all is. He's just so precious to me and so innocent. So very perfect and I love him so very much. Wow this truly hurts.

I just want to get through a day without thinking about it, crying about it and just being able to do a simple thing like 'breathe'.

I'm so over all of it. I spoke with my friend today who's in hospital with her son and I hated that I couldn't help her. Because I know it hurts so much and i wish i could take some of that pain away from her like I wish someone could for me. its such a different world, childhood cancer. There are feelings you never knew existed, pain you thought previously wasn't possible and helplessness that has no end.
This isn't the way it's meant to be, you know that, everyone who's watching knows that but there is nothing anyone can do to change it.

He's asleep in the car, its raining. With every drop that falls I so wish things were different.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. I so completely know your feelings. I too have a friend I've known half my life and yet she still doesn't seem to get her nonchalant attitude when speaking of my sick child is hurtful. Someone whom I love dearly and once considered to be part of my very close circle of friends has stepped completely out of those bounds in my eyes. It may be unintentional but there's also a such thing as trying, trying to be empathetic, trying to "walk a mile in my shoes" that I wish more people would try. To be honest, I think I used to be one of them in certain situations, something I now deeply regret when I remember those times. Please know Leisl you are not alone. We walk with you, we feel with you. Xoxo

  2. leisl please know so many of us have you & your family in our hearts & prayers.Stay away from negative people,they have small minds.
    Little Jayden is so gorgeous,& you have to believe he will be more then okay.Everyday I just want to give you all such a big love.
    Special Blessings

  3. I watched an interview with Olivia Newton-John last night, while I know her cancer was in a different league all together she had mentioned why she has started the wellness centre in Melbourne for cancer patients, basically to bring as much positive into the lives of people with cancer as possible, she feels this was a big part of her recovery.

    You do need to believe Jayden is going to make it through this, I pray for it every night, as do many many other people who are thinking positive things only for your wonderful little man. I don't agree with your friend, U don't know that Jayden will relapse, what U do know is that U and your amazing family are doing everything possible to get through this. Hayden is that a positive huge ray of sunshine that alone I think is a huge positive :).