I sat at the table after cleaning it up, and felt numb. I don't know what else to do, think, feel and I know nothing is going to change what could happen.
I hate this. With every inch of my body, I hate this.
As I put Jayden to bed tonight he kept talking about when he gets bigger. When he will fit into Luke's shorts, when he's bigger. I smiled at him and agreed but inside my heart was tearing into pieces. People say I'm doing well, on the surface of course I am. I have to. But inside its no picnic. Every time I look at him I want to cry. I don't, I love him, cuddle him and can't get enough if him.
I laid in bed with him tonight and gave him the biggest, longest cuddle he would let me give Him. He squeezed me back and when we broke from that cuddle he said " gonna be alright mum", "love you much, mum". I told him I loved him so much too and wanted to cry. I didn't. I looked at him and smiled and he smiled back. How he knew to say that I will never know.
He is without a doubt the most amazing human being I have ever met. The bravest by far and the courageous. My little man, my hero.
I just love him so much and tonight I just want to sleep. I want to breathe, enjoy hearing him breathe as he sleeps and just be.
I want to sleep without worry, dream without nightmares and wake to his smiling face.
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