Friday, 28 December 2012

Every second

Jayden didn't sleep well last night and woke at 4:30 am. Fortunately I was able to get him to go back to sleep until 6ish then we got up and had our cup of tea together. I love that I have this time with him that he sits on the kitchen bench chatting away while I make Our cups of tea. We talk about stuff and things and whilst the kettles boiling we will pop a bit of toast in the toaster too. Then we take our bits into the living room and cuddle up on the couch to ABC for kids shows and sip our cup of tea. Today I was anxious, scared and worried. i waited for the vomit. It never came. I was able to relax a bit but I expect it will come tomorrow. I hope not.

As we sat there snuggled up with our teas in our hands I thought about how nice it was to do that. I love that time with him. I love that he's always near me, that he wants to be with me where ever I am. That if I go to look for something in my room, he wants to come. When I go out to water the garden he's sitting or playing near me or up on my hip. He's with me while I'm preparing dinner, comes with me almost everywhere i go and i love that. He's my little shadow and I love that little shadow.

his brother and sister both had play overs with their friends today so Jayden and i just hung out playing lego, watching Elmo, and making cups of tea outside by the sandpit. Very hot day so i tried to convince him to spend the bulk of it indoors.i still had all my mum things to do but he loves to tag along and help with all of it. There's nothing he won't help me with.

I really enjoyed the time alone with him today. The other two were too busy with their friends so we got to play without interruption. Not that I mind that interruption as I Love that too. I love that my kids need me and ask me for help with stuff in general. I just love being their mum.

i had a comment posted today by a beautiful woman whom I have met through this journey. she is beautiful in that she is an incredibly loving and wonderful mother whom is also travelling a very, very sad journey of her own. I don't often comment on comments made but I always read them and they are truly inspiring, comforting and mean a lot to receive. In this particular comment not only were her words so true but they were written by someone who truly knows how i feel. No one can make this journey better for her or i but sometimes a few words can make us stop and think, "smell the roses" i think is the correct phrase. she did this for me today. i know nothing will fix my pain or my fear, the heartache i have every time i hear his voice and look into his big brown eyes, or every time he smiles at me. but I can stop and think and remember that he is with me now. That all my worry and fear will not stop what will be. That I don't want to look back and wish I had of spent more time laughing and smiling rather than scared and crying.
I know nothing will truly stop that fear or the sadness but if even for a second I can think of her words and make that second count then that is better than no second.

I've had other similar beautiful comments before and again they remind me of what I need to be trying to do. I appreciate those little reminders so much and when they come from people who truly know this journey I also don't feel so alone.

I know that there is no easy way through this. And I know i will always have times where it's all so damn overwhelming, that crying my eyes out and feeling so incredibly sad will be the only things I can do but i hope i can spend more time trying to enjoy the moments i have. "easy said than done" danny said today. He's right but if we don't try, and he knows that, we may live to regret it.

I've probably mentioned it before but I remember the day my mum died. that day i had held her hand in mine as she lay on her bed and I just softly held it, I never gave it a tight squeeze, you know the type of squeeze that you give to let that person know you really love them. I didn't do that because she was so weak and I was worried i might hurt her. I spent years after she died regretting I never squeezed her hand. Years of regret over the smallest gesture. I don't want to do that with anyone ever again. I want to make sure every second I have with Jayden, with all my kids count and that I will never regret not holding them tight enough, cuddling them long enough or laughing with them loud enough. That they always know they are loved and loved to bits.
That I make every second count.

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