He had his bath and bedtime late tonight because I wanted him to see our Xmas lights and he was delighted. Well worth having the late night even with the possibility of a whingy child tomorrow.
When i put him into the bath tonight i noticed some tape left over from the days we use to have it on hand by the bath to tape up all his lines before he got into the bath. its very hard to think about those times and when i do it makes me feel ill and incredibly sad. i often find reminders around the house of that time, the towels from the hospital that we would have to take home from the hospital because he would vomit so much on the way home. The syringes for all his medications, feeding bags and we still have cartons of the milk he was fed through his NG tube stacked high in the office.
They all leave memories of a time I'd sooner forget but know there is no way I ever could. Its torture to think about, but its not going away. When I see these reminders I pray in my thoughts that i never see any of it in use again. At least I think thats what you could call a prayer, where I hope with all my might that Jayden remains well and we can dispose of all these reminders for good, Hold a bomb fire and set it all alight, watch it burn and say goodbye to it all forever. I hope so, with ever inch of my soul, I hope so.
I'm not sure why we haven't already to be honest. I know that every time I find something like a mask for his oxygen in the toy box I bin it. Any syringe that was used in the bath I've binned. The milk we can't give back so I don't know what to do with that and the tape we can use for first aid but I've packed it away. Either way I manage to find something still in the house that's a awful reminder and would like to burn it all.
I ran into a relative today at the shops which was nice. With everything that has happened its been impossible to go see anyone and certainly not been a priority. So it was nice to see her face again and stop for a chat. I'm trying hard to just focus on Xmas at the moment though and just enjoy this special time with my family so when I saw her today I found myself avoiding talking anything about Jayden and how I was feeling. Sometimes it's just not where I want to go.
I know it will always be difficult no matter what day it is or time of the year but for today I just wanted to focus on buying the presents I needed to get and picturing their little faces when they open them up. There is no doubt about it, giving is far more satisfying than receiving. I remember thinking that about my mum. She just loved to give presents. She was never that fussed on receiving them, loved the gifts of course but would prefer to give than receive any day. I understand that feeling too and love it.
I'm so excited for my kids as we will all be home together and this year is the first year Jayden has any understanding if it all. He loves Santa! Is very excited about the prospect of him visiting again but doesn't really understand he will be doing it again but at night and he won't see him. That some prezzies will be left under the tree by him to open in the morning. Hes not quite aware of that but will be on the day! I'm so excited about that. I truly can't wait to see his face!
So it's late now and I need to sleep, I don't want my last thought before i sleep to be of the past or the future but in stead the present. Right now he's sleeping and happy, right now he's here and right now I can snuggle up to him listening to him breath and be the happiest mum alive, right now..
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