Somedays are definitely a whole lot harder than others. And today would go down as a tricky one.
In the morning after the kids went to school Jayden and I went into PMH. we didn't have an appointment but instead had a box of goodies we wanted to give to the staff on ward3b for Xmas and to say thanks. The kids decorated the box with paints on the weekend and shopped for the goodies to go in, hence some of their favourites went in as well.
Going back into the ward is always difficult and I find it really hard not to tear up the moment I go through the glass doors. Thats where the sadness in my mood begins.
It actually scares me a lot being in there. its the one place I never, ever want to have to return with my son ever, ever again! And every time I walk In There I feel sick to my stomach and just want to get out of there and as far away as possible.
However we were there to drop a gift off and thats not a bad thing. While we were in dropping the box off we visited the wonderful woman I often write about and her precious little boy. I was so happy to see her but so sad I'm seeing her in there. I really feel for her and every time I visit it gets me choked up. I so wish I could do more for her, anything, but i know what she wants i cant give.
when I'm with her in there it frightens me as I'm so very worried I could be her one day. I watch her with him and I feel an overwhelming sadness that I will see myself standing in her very shoes one day. I so want to change things for her, for both of us and it makes me so sad that I can't.
I believe there is always hope though and certainly for her little boy. He's a little fighter and he will get through this but I just hate that he has to do it all again, so unfair. As if the one time isn't bad enough.
While we were there I asked her what her son would like for Xmas and she said he can have whatever he wants. I thought that was beautiful because that's how I feel too. It's not that we can actually buy them whatever they want but we will certainly give them the best xmas ever.
We left not long after and came home. Once home I wrapped some Xmas presents while Danny entertained Jayden. All the while I was thinking of my friend. I hoped that she was ok. That she was managing inside herself. I know how incredibly scary this journey can be and I hoped that she was able to breathe. I just wanted to wrap them both up in a big warm blanket, take them out of there and make it all better. I remember thinking that when I was in there with Jayden. Just writing about it now makes me feel ill, the thought of those times. I try hard not to go back there in my mind as honestly, now, I don't know how we did it.
But right now he's laying next to me in our bed and I can hear his little breaths. I'm looking at his beautiful face and I'm so very very grateful he is lying next to me right now. He's had a great day, very happy and no vomiting. I can't ask for much more than that.
I feel like my little man is finally back with me. The little man I knew before all this mess started. My cheeky, sprightly, adventurous, into everything gorgeous little boy Is back and how grateful i am for that too.
He's talking so much now and engaging in conversations and its just brilliant. I'm getting to know a little man growing inside him and god I hope to see much much more of that.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone