Wednesday, 26 December 2012


Just when I thought I could breathe again Jayden woke up this morning and vomited. He had his cup of tea and shortly after bought it up. Danny and I diligently cleaned it up without a word. You could have heard a pin drop after we finished. We both just sat in shock, despair and under an enormous cloud of worry.

It will never stop. Concern about that ugly tumor returning and it drives me crazy. I have spent the entire day thinking about it, worrying about it and as a result feeling physically ill. As I put Jayden's clean clothes away in his cupboards I felt a knot in my stomach that hurt so much I sat down and cried. The emotional weight that we carry around keeping it together so as to live some kind of normal life was so heavy today it was too much to bare.

I truly don't know what to say or do anymore and just find I cry in silence. I hid myself in his room and balled. For it doesn't matter how much I talk about it, it doesn't stop hurting. It doesn't stop me worrying, it doesn't take away the reality of this shitty mess and I'm buggared if I know why we don't get a decent break from it. Or is that even possible?

I thought for a few days there I could feel somewhat normal and in someways I did. I managed to have a laugh, smiled and enjoy myself over Xmas even though deep down I still hurt. Truth be known I just wanted everyone, especially Jayden to remember this Xmas as a truly special one no matter what, should it be his last. That we can all remember being happy, smiling and loving being together.

My little man is asleep now and I'm laying next to him. It's quiet and all I can hear is him breathing. Tears roll down my face as I try to fight off the thought of not being able to hear that sound. I'm so scared. That one day I will lose him. That with every awful sign like this morning, that fear grows. Nothing is more painful than this, nothing.
I so wish I could hold him forever. That nothing would ever take his beautiful face away from me. That his arms will always open to me for a cuddle, that he will grow old doing that.

Christmas is over, a new year about to begin but everyday remains the same. That no matter how much we try the fear of his cancer returning will always be there. Today has just highlighted that even more so.

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1 comment:

  1. Leisl I used to feel the same thing. I was seeing a therapist and was diagnosed as clinically depressed. The constant weight was so heavy I was concerned to need medication. Then Madeleine relapsed---the depression didn't necessarily stop but the anxiety did. For me, I felt like I was wasting precious energy being depressed when I could use it to fight for her. It's difficult for faith to thrive where fear takes over. I will remember you in my prayers, to give you peace so you don't feel like you have to live in fear. It's truly an unfortunate way to spend your days, waiting for the awful news. Try to remain hopeful and faithful you never get that news so you can look at today with a sort of future-hindsight tell yourself you are wasting that energy. Sending you positive energy mama. Xoxo