It's not long till Xmas day and I've hardly even started with my Xmas shopping. I use to be more organised and have most of it done by now but not this year. I've managed to get out a couple of times for an hour or so but that was just to have a look at what's out there and now it's time to actually purchase.
I went out this morning with Jayden first but he just wasn't up for spending time in a store, even though it was a toy store. He is most definitely struggling with the extra weight he is carrying and just exhausted with everything I'm sure. And I'm still very worried its something more. We didn't stay out long and came home to see Danny not long after.
I tried a few times to get out on my own later, but Jayden would get very upset with the idea of me leaving so I stayed. Eventually though when he and danny settled in for a good game of cars I was able to slip out.
I went straight to the shop I was at earlier and was convinced I knew what I was going to get or at least look for. But as I walked around, looked at all the toys and tried to decide on what to get I started to feel sad and weary. I felt exhausted in fact. Emotionally exhausted. Trying to keep upbeat because its Xmas and trying to get into the Xmas spirit of buying presents was hard. I wandered the aisles waiting for some inspiration but there wasn't any.
I use to love doing Xmas shopping and really got a kick out of shopping for my kids but this year understandably I know, i feel sad.
I can't help but feel this could be the last time I shop for three children, that this could be Jayden's last Xmas. I know it also couldn't but how many Christmases will I get? I thought about that very question and the answer while I stood there looking at some ridiculously expensive toy. How many christmases with Jayden will I get? Will this be the last? With that thought in my head the spirit of Xmas that I was so desperately trying to achieve slowly disappeared into the back of my mind. I found myself unable to decide on anything and every time I tried to think about what I should get the sadness crept back in. It started to feel like an effort to shop, it was difficult instead of fun like it use to be.
I so desperately want this Xmas to be so perfect and special for Jayden and all of us that its getting me down. The expectations of it being perfect is just too hard. I wish it was just like it was before and I had no expectations. I'm just so worried now that I will live with regret if I don't make every special occasion super special, in particular Christmas. That maybe one day ill look back and wish I'd done it better.
I'm so tired right now and rambling again. My life no matter how hard I try to make it, is no longer normal. Every day is hard. I try to make it easy but there will never be anyway of getting away from the reality of our situation and Xmas is sadly a cruel reminder of our misfortune. It's a reminder my mum is not with us, that my son may not be one day and that life just isn't perfect like we would like it to be.
I'm listening to him snoring as I write in this blog and that sound is so very special. Every noise he makes is special. I soak it all up knowing that I may not hear them one day. The thought of which makes my eyes well up with tears. I have no idea how anyone gets through this. I feel like I'm fumbling through each day hoping that the next will get better. But no matter what i do it doesn't get better or easier it just stays the same.
Truly I wish someone had the answer of how to do this, how to get through life with your child who you love with every inch of your sole knowing that one day you will lose him. It's not how life was meant to be and I hate approaching Xmas with the fear that it could be his last. I hate being scared. Scared of losing my little man and I so wish that pain would go, that I could breath with ease and not worry about what could be.
But saying it and doing it is two very different things.
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