We came home and I fully expected he would have slept on the way home in the car but he didn't so we had lunch and a dip in the blow up pool that our most wonderful friend and part of the family now, Nadja, gave us.
We had some big belly laughs today with the water in the pool and with water pistols. One of which is like a big syringe so Jayden manages that one like a pro. He squirted me heaps after I told him I didn't want my hair wet and laughed his head off when he doused me in water on my head! It really was hilarious and I can't remember the last time I have had so much fun with my boys. Luke was of course joining in and mums hair became their perfect target. Rascals. it was truly lovely and i found myself surprised that i was having fun. it was weird, like a foreign feeling, and i guess it is.
I'm very tired write now and finding it hard to find the words to describe that beautiful time the way I'd like to. Sometimes I just don't have them and this is definitely one of those times. Lets just say it was a really lovely day with my boys, danny included and for a part of that I truly laughed and had fun. However even in that laughter and the moment I caught myself being happy and knowing it was unusual I still had that fear. Even then while I was having fun I thought, this is great but how long will I have this? I can't help it. It's not that I've spoilt the moment because I haven't as no one around me would know but it's there. That fear. Always. It's just the way it is. I hate it, but I have to live with it every second of everyday and do what ever it takes to keep on going and make my kids lives as normal as possible. And it's hard. Damn hard.
He's asleep now and as expected fell into a deep sleep within minutes after turning the light off and reading books. He sleeps between Danny and I but is usually squished right up against me. At the moment his head is in my back and his feet are in Danny's. funny. Luke is to my left and sound asleep too. Love my kids.