Nothing can put me in a brighter mood like the sound of laughter from my kids. They are all sleeping now but not long ago we were all laying on our bed reading books. We all laughed together about the pictures and stories making jokes about the characters along the way. Just priceless. Moments like those I want to remember for ever. Store them in my 'moments to remember box' in my mind that can be opened anytime and remembered. All four of us, Luke squished up to my right,Layla laying to my left and Jayden laying on her and me. All of us looking at pictures in books. It doesn't get better than that.
The whole afternoon and into the evening was like that tonight. Lots of laughter, lots of time together. My sister and her daughters have been Staying with us for the last few days and left today. Although its been great to have then here and I miss them already It also meant that we didn't have as much time together as we normally would. so when she left this afternoon I think we all really enjoyed being together again without anyone else.
My middle son was just beautiful this afternoon. He is my greatest challenge at times but is also wonderfully the most compassionate and empathetic child. This afternoon and this evening were great but there was a bit that didn't go so well at bath time. By bath time Jayden was getting very tired and he didn't want to have a bath but instead go outside to play. Now normally he gets his way but I just knew he was tired and really needed to get ready for bed. Luke got in with him and tried with all his might to jolly Jayden along but he was pretty keen to remain upset. Poor little mite. Luke was so concerned. He said to me " I really feel sorry for Jayden mum", and he did. He didn't understand that Jayden was just tired and he would be ok, he just hates seeing him upset. I know this as he spent a lot of time with us with Jayden in hospital and it truly broke his heart to see Jayden going through so much. The older he is getting, the more he's understanding and the harder I think it is for him.
By the time we got Jayden out of the bath though and into his room to change Luke had him laughing. All of us actually. Luke managed to change a very stressful situation into a very happy one and we were all giggling by the end of it. He's truly a beautiful boy and deeply loves his brother. We often talk about Jayden and he asks a lot of questions now which is good, but sad at the same time. Often I don't have the answers, I wish I did, but nobody does. Id love to tell him he will be fine and they will grow old together but I don't know that and I guess nobody does.
This afternoon and into this evening was one of the best afternoon/evenings I've had and all because my beautiful kids were happy, and with me. I'm truly going to hate the day when they grow up and move out! I hope they don't do that early:(
Together They made me laugh so much and it still feels weird to do that. I catch myself doing it and I wish I could just run with it and not think about all the fears and sadness. But it's there. I know it always will be. Fortunately I don't let it stop me having fun with them. The thoughts are there but I don't let the kids know it. Instead I wait till they are asleep and write it down here so I can sleep.
Jayden hasn't vomited for a while and I've been frightened to blog it incase I ruin that roll. He's still really wobbly on his feet and fell down twice today. Once on the footpath and the second time at home on our driveway. That time caused a big graze on his little knee. It bled quite a bit and looked really sore but he hardly cried at all. I sat him on our kitchen table and as I washed it and placed a plaster on it I thought to myself "you have seen so much worse than this, been through so much worse" And I wished so much he hadn't and that the worse thing that ever happened to him to this date was that graze on his knee. There's a saying my neighbour told me once "someone somewhere is praying for what you take for granted". And it was at this moment (and many others) that i thought of that saying. For before this life I was one of those people. I would put a plaster on my child's sore and never think anything more about it. Now I'm one of those people that desperately wish that plaster is all my child needs. Definitely nothing gets taken for granted now.
I did have a beautiful afternoon today with my three precious kids though. I love each and everyone of them so much. I so wish our lives could be different, I always will but it cant. So everyday I try to live in the moment. Sometimes I succeed and a lot of the time I fail but I believe that's got to be normal, and as much as I hate it I'm trying. I won't give up. Ill keep going and no matter how many times I fall I will get back up and be there for my kids. For they are without a doubt, what I live for.
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