I'm laying next to my little man and he's finally asleep. It has taken a little longer than normal for him to drop off but he's sound asleep now, along with his brother, sister and dad. I'm pretty sure it took so long because he had a late afternoon nap but never mind, he's asleep now.
He got to stay up a little later than normal as well because of his late nap and that was really nice. it meant he was up with us all and we all went to bed at the same time rather than him going to bed first. So we all sat around playing Lego and watching a bit of mindless tv before bed, then loads of books.
When he got up from his sleep this afternoon I hung out with the kids and played games. Layla, Luke and I played a card game that was a lot of fun. we laughed about who was cheating, boasted when we won and played again. Jayden sat on my lap watching us for a while and helping me, then hopped off and played with his lego next to us. It was so nice not to worry about anything for a change, except being with my kids.
As we giggled and made fun of each other i thought about how nice it must be for my kids to have their mum back. For so long i have felt absent in their lives even when I've been there. I rarely ever had time to really be with either of them and even when i did make the time, I really wasn't there. My mind was always elsewhere worrying about Jayden. These last few days since the clear scan have truly been the first days I have ever felt close to being their mum again, really being their mum. I've been able to spend quality time with them, by really listening to them and hearing them and its been really nice. I've missed that. I've missed being the mum I was. I know it will never be exactly the same as it was but it was so nice to get a bit of it back for a few days. to just relax with them these last few days has really been wonderful. The whole house feels different to be in. i can feel it, they must too. Danny and I are not as stressed and so the kids are happier.
It's also been nice to get up in the morning with Jayden and not panic about whether he is going to vomit and if so, what it all means. I know it may not last long, the not worrying, but for this day I'm just concentrating on enjoying the moment.
I will be stressed again, and the worrying will return but right now, today, this very moment, its ok.
Today i can Really smell the air, feel the breeze and breathe.
And most of all it is truly priceless to really BE, with all my kids again.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone