Jayden was brilliant, he was in such good form all day except when he woke from his nap and he was really quite cranky for a good half hour. But apart from that he was really happy. I know he feels good in himself when he is able to amuse himself at times and just be happy. Which he was for most of the day. He's asleep next to me right now and took no time at all to fall asleep, not surprising given the day.
I have to say I really enjoyed today. Some would consider 14 plus kids in their house a nightmare but I really loved it. To see my daughter so happy was just brilliant and Luke and Jayden loved it too. So nice to see her doing normal things like playing with her mates and just having a laugh like 11 year olds are meant to. No stress, no sadness, just smiles. That's what I want for my kids, now and always.
Before Jayden went to bed tonight he talked again about when he gets bigger. I think seeing all the older kids today made him think about it. the ache in my heart when he says those words, stings. I can't even remember what he was referring to exactly just those specific words remain deep in my mind.
I truly hope he gets that chance. He surprises me everyday with how much he understands and how quickly he's learning things. He's going to be clever I just know it. He's going to do great things I'm sure. He will be compassionate, forgiving, kind, brave and always loving. I know that because he's all those things now. I so wish That i get to see him grow to be the man he is meant to be. The brother he is meant to be for his older brother and sister, the husband he would be and the father he would become. I know he would be great at all those roles.
It's hard to truly enjoy a full day without thinking about the future. It's hard to switch off what is really going on in our lives. Even when we do something normal like we did today, a birthday party for Layla, it is always there. you never get away from it.
As Layla blew her candles on her cake today, to celebrate her 11th birthday, i wondered if we would see Jayden's 11th birthday. how many birthdays will we get?
Nothing takes away that fear, the worry, or the sadness of that thought.
I have to remember and remind myself that Today was a good day. It bought smiles to all my kids faces and for that I am so very grateful.
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