We have had a good couple of days and its been really nice just hanging out with the kids and finding time to truly breathe. I'm laying next to Jayden now and he's finally fallen asleep. He had a nap this afternoon so wasn't too keen to go to sleep. At one point I thought he was asleep and I lay watching his beautiful little face as I often do. Then he opened his eyes, looked at me and said "I love you mum, so much In the world" and I replied, " I love you more than anything in the whole world too". Just beautiful. He then closed his eyes again and fell back to sleep. I continued to watch his little face. As I looked at him I hoped with all my heart I get to look at his face forever, watch that cute little face turn to a more boyish face, then mans face and what a handsome man I believe he would be. God I hope that happens. Every time I think about it I feel myself well up. I feel the sadness creep in and I want to cry.
I'm looking at him now and just still can't believe he had cancer. How does and why does a child get cancer? Honestly it's so criminal and makes no damn sense at all.
Layla said to me today as we were playing with him out the front, "mum he just looks like a normal boy now,no one would ever know he's been sick". She's right. Apart from the bald patch at the back of his head from the radiation and the big scar therefrom surgery you would never know that anything had ever been wrong. We do though. Something not one of us would ever forget,least of all Jayden. I Believe he still has nightmares to this day about the procedures hes been through. Some nights are better than others but roughly every second night he yells out "no, no stop" in his sleep. Sometimes two or three times and sometimes it wakes him up and he cries for me.
No child that's been through what he's been through comes out of it unscathed, not possible. Neither does anyone in the family. I try very hard not to think of those times because it truly is disturbing and upsetting. I'm not sure I will ever personally read back my blog entries of those days.
We still don't know to what lengths the treatments he has had has damaged his body and many side effects can occur much later. Damage to his brain has been one and hearing loss but fortunately neither has been as bad as it could have been. So we are grateful for that.
ridiculous to think anyone could be grateful for brain damage and hearing loss. but we know it could be a whole lot worse.
At least right now he is sleeping and he's happy. We had a big day that involved going to a park, making cubby houses with card board boxes and painting! all the stuff kids are meant to be doing. I'm so grateful for every second we are together and I'm really not looking forward to the kids going back to school. i know Jayden isn't going to be happy about it. luke and him have become quite the team these past few weeks.
I'm going to sleep now, but want to post some photos from today. I think this is the most photos I have ever taken. Since Jayden stopped treatment I have not missed a day taking his photo or a video. I want to get every day in a photo just in case I lose one in my memory.
In his card board box cubby, (nudie again!) that Layla made for him. Bit squishy.
Painting with luke and Layla
The finished products, Jayden's, Luke's and Laylas respectively.
And the three together before bed,
Love my kids.