Thursday, 10 January 2013

It's ok

It's late and I'm laying next to my beautiful boys whom are both fast asleep. I'm not surprised as it was a big day had by all. I'm about to join them but wanted to write this entry first.

We were up early today as Jayden was due in at hospital at 7:30 am. Dad and his partner came to look after Luke and Layla while we were gone. We left the house just after 6:30 for the hospital.

Jayden was really good about not having anything to eat. I told him the night before what was going to happen today and that when he wakes up he won't be able to have anything to eat. He truly amazed me that he remembered and was really good about it. Neither did danny or I and we all drove in silence to the hospital. Well, Danny and I barely spoke but Jayden gibbered away to himself all the way there.

I felt Sick driving in and very very scared. I don't know exactly how danny was feeling but I assume much the same. When we parked the car we got out and Jayden and I walked in while danny sorted the ticket. From the moment I walked through the doors I wanted to cry. I hate returning here, it makes me very sad and just reminds me of what my son is facing.

We went to the radiology department, let them know we were there and then sat in the waiting area for the nurse. Soon after she came out and we followed her back to one of the offices where we filled out the usual forms that we are so familiar with we could do blindfolded and the nurse took Jayden's OBS. She then placed Elma cream on the back of his hands and it was that moment that Jayden became really restless. He knew this meant a canular was going to be inserted and he has had so many bad experiences with that its no wonder he was worried. I was too. We all were.
We then went back into the waiting room and all Jayden wanted to do was go home. We managed to entertain him for a short while longer until the anaesthetist came out to explain to us that because of Jayden's previous experiences maybe a pre med would be a good idea. We agreed and were taken back to where recovery is to have his pre med. unfortunately only half of it went down and the other half he spat out.

Another hour waiting and we were called in. By this time Jayden was a little bit drowsy but by no means enough to keep him from being extremely upset when we followed the nurse into the next room. Before we entered they asked danny to leave as only one parent is allowed in and it was at this point Jayden really knew something was going down. He became so upset and wouldn't let the nurses look at his arms to insert a canular and eventually they went with the gas.
I was holding him in my arms when this was all happening and felt so bloody helpless. Watching him so terrified as they held the mask over his face and him screaming for me to take it off. Just torture. Doing that once in your life time is torture, but to do it as many times over as we have is just extremely painful. It never gets easy, it only gets harder. Going back there today was really hard, hard for all of us.

When he finally fell asleep we lifted him on the bed and I was escorted out. Outside the room danny was waiting, sitting on a chair with his head in his hands. He had heard Jayden's cries and then muffled screams and he was equally distraught as I. Awful stuff.

We walked out not saying much and went and got a coffee and a bite to eat. We talked about the events that occurred and just everything Jayden. On the walk back up the ramp to the hospital we talked about how emotionally intense and incredibly heart breaking this journey is that the pain of it at times seems worse than death itself. We both agreed that if not for our other children we have both thought about at some point in this journey that death would be far better than the excruciating pain of your child dying. now this is not to say we are going to kill ourselves but merely the thought passes your mind when the pain is that bad. and it is. we know what it feels like when our child is that sick, that we could lose him and its so painful its unbearable. i think we talked about it today, in some way preparing ourselves for what may be ahead.

More waiting and finally we heard his cries and were called in to see him. I couldn't pick him up quick enough, I so desperately wanted to have him in my arms again. He was in such bad form though, really cranky from the drugs so it took sometime to calm him down and eventually he fell back asleep in my arms and we sat in the recovery room until he woke again. I felt so much better when he was in my arms and being able to hold him for such a long time while he slept was just bliss.

He woke an hour later, had a drink, they removed his canular and we headed of out of there. Before we got into the elevator we saw nick and he said he would have a quick look at the results. We sat waiting and I just wanted to ball my eyes out. So much emotion in today, so many scared thoughts, awful sad feelings and just gut wrenching pain. It must have been the longest 10 minutes ever and when I saw his face again it was as if time stood still before the words came out of his mouth. "It all looks fine, even the area where the brain damage was seemed to have cleared. Steroids must have done their job.' That was it. I just wanted to give him the biggest cuddle but thought it not appropriate and didn't. The best feeling ever. We left feeling relieved but a very big part of us knowing this isn't the end of this nightmare. We can breathe today and we are going to and we are going to enjoy everyone of those breaths but we know that just around the corner in three months is his next scan and this tumor can return in that short space of time. But today we are going to be damn happy its not there now and hope to god it will never be.

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  1. So relieved for you all for the clear MRI result. Just can't fathom how excrutiating this is and the strength you, Danny and Jayden show is inspirational. Love and prayers to you all.xxxxx

  2. Phew! Awesome well :-)

  3. God Bless you and your family!