Thursday, 17 January 2013

Looking back

It's bedtime and everyone is gathered on our bed. The kids are reading a book together that requires looking for objects on a page. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm needed but for now they are happily occupied.
We have spent most of the day at home which has been nice. I love being at home with everyone. I did take the boys out in the morning though to shop for their sisters birthday. Very interesting ideas of what should be bought for her and had I let them have their way it would have been a transformer and a tea set. We eventually managed to buy her something suitable and they both got a little something as well, just because.

We came home and shortly after Jayden had a nap and I organised dinner and the usual stuff. Dad came in during all this and stopped to have a cuppa. I busily cleaned up the kitchen as he chatted and he said to me how it must be helpful to be busy. He's right. I remember the first time I was back home and washing and cooking and trying To keep up with the housework. I remember the feeling of for the first time in so long I had a time where I wasn't consumed with worry. It was still there just not as bad as I was thinking about what I was doing and what was next. Every time I do the washing, hang it up, put it away, do the dishes, put them away, vacuum, clean I am so grateful I'm doing it. I know I've mentioned it before but truly it helps to be busy doing these things and when I'm doing them I remember what it was like to not be doing them. I remember what I was doing instead and after i have that thought I take a deep breath and exhale it with relief that I'm not doing that now.

Danny and I had some time this evening looking at photos on the computer. Lately I've been trying to sort out all the photos on the computer of the kids so they are in some sort of order. we began looking at pictures of just after Jayden was born and then up to just before he went to hospital. It was truly heartbreaking. We watched a video that I remember filming like it was yesterday. Jayden at about one years old at the table happy eating with his brother and sister and typically full of smiles. He's always been a really happy kid and watching him tonight was hard.

I hadn't seen this 2 minute or so long footage of him since I took it well over a year ago and it made me cry. I wanted to reach inside the screen and be with that little man again. Be back in the time when Jayden was a normal little boy with no health problems or concerns. A time when as parents all we had to worry about was the 'normal' stuff parents worried about. I remembered how I felt when I was behind the camera and I yearn for that feeling again. That feeling of contentment a feeling that is so foreign to me now. No anxiety, sadness, fear, worry or true deep and painful heartache. Nothing. I miss that. Really miss that. As I watched the clip unfold to the end I found myself in floods of tears. I really miss that life. I always will. I miss feeling no pain. What I wouldn't give to watch my boy each day and not ache. Not ache for him and what could lie ahead of him. To just watch him and smile and just be content. I miss that beyond words.

We had to turn the computer off after that video and when I was back in the kitchen and Jayden was there I scooped him up and hugged him tight. I know nothing will ever bring that time back or that feeling and I know its just the way life is now for us. but watching that film reminded me of a time that was so easy and as I squeezed him tight in my arms, I wished so much it still was. I hugged him for the longest time, lost in my thoughts and it was as if he knew and he cuddled me back. nestled in my neck and not saying a word, just knowing how much we mean to each other. how much i so love this beautiful precious boy and knowing how much he loves me back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. LOVE the pics! MY son had the same monster all-in-one and it was my favourite! :)

  2. What a happy, smile-y and beautiful babe he was! And what a strong, resilient, and still smile-y little man he has become.
    I know only too well that pain that comes from watching old photos and videos from the time BC. I have tears in my eyes right now reading your words because they are so close to my own thoughts. For what seemed like forever, it hurt me so much to look at them and remember the innocence that was lost - how happy we were and how untroubled by pain and fear. I am slowly getting used to seeing them as part of Gavin's journey here on this Earth, and can now celebrate the baby he was and the wonderful boy he has become. Yes, none of us have been unscathed by treatment, it is true, and we can never go back, but we can love today! xoxo