I don't know what it was about this morning but as soon as we woke up I had a bad feeling about it. As I bought Jayden's cup of tea with me my gut instinct made me take a towel as well and lay it in his lap. I hoped I was wrong and returned to the kitchen to get mine, all the while hoping what I was thinking would not occur. By the time I returned and sat next to him on the couch, it happened. He did a huge vomit. It went on for what seemed like ages and didn't stop until what seemed like the entire contents of his stomach emptied.
I diligently cleaned it up and felt ill inside. Not because of the vomit but the reason he could be vomiting. Cancer truly is hell and there is no damn end to it. Yesterday I was able to breathe, today I feel like I'm suffocating. I truly hate this with every inch of my being.
It set the tone for the day which was very stressful. Both danny and I having little patience at times with each other and just everything in general. Stress can bring out the worst in people. Fortunately we know the cause of it and manage not to get too upset with each other. We are both hurting and both really concerned.
For the rest of the day I've watched him so closely it's making me go crazy. His balance seems to be a lot more off than usual and every time he wobbles I want to cry. In fact all day I've just wanted to ball my eyes out. I can't stand it. It's insane. Our lives are just insane. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time, hoping nothing will break. that if I'm careful enough all will be fine. which of course its not. none of this is fine. childhood cancer is not fine, it sucks.
He's asleep now having his afternoon nap and I'm so damn worried. I emailed Nick with my concerns this morning but still haven't heard back. Sitting, waiting and hoping for the best is all I can do and it just does not feel like enough at all. I hate feeling so helpless. Being at the mercy of this crap disease.
I'm so cross right now and really damn scared.
I'm not feeling good about this at all. Really nervous. My gut is going crazy. I want to remain positive and believe its nothing but I can't. I wish I had a handheld scanner that I could whizz over his body from top to toe every morning to detect any tumour and hope that it would find nothing, so I could breathe for that day. But instead we wait. Waiting, and hoping we never get bad news.
The MRI is not for another week and I'm truly concerned. I'm trying not to think about it but how can I not. It invades my every thought, there is nothing I think about more.
I love my little man so much. He's growing up so beautifully. Almost toilet trained now and he instigated that himself. He talks so much, laughs heaps and is a real little joker. He tries so hard to keep up with his brother and sister with everything they do. he wants to be bigger, bigger like them. That breaks my heart like nothing else for I want that so much for him too.
I don't even know how to finish this entry, what final thing to say. I want it to be positive or some mention of what I'm grateful for but right now I just feel numb.
Its just not fair.
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