Tuesday, 1 January 2013

New Year's Day 2013

It's New Year's Day, the beginning of another year. We spent New Year's Eve with Danny's parents And are now on our way home.

It was a lovely evening, quiet but a good quiet. Don't miss the loud partying days at all and would much rather spend it doing what we did. With family and people we love.
Last night Everyone went to bed relatively early except Danny's mum and i. We sat up talking about the year thats been and i had a huge much needed cry. I was so happy she was there to listen and so grateful for her support. I miss my own mother so much and often wonder what she would have said to me through all of this awful journey. what advice she would have given and more than anything I miss being able to give her a cuddle. Speaking to Danny's mum last night in a lot of ways was like talking to my mum. she gave me some wonderful advice, got me to see things a little different and in a good way and just spoke to me from the perspective of someone who genuinely cares. To hear her words meant so very much and to have her listen to my fears, allow me to cry and give me a cuddle was so needed.
For me, a wonderful way to spend New Year's Eve.

By the time we got to bed it was late and I couldn't wait to snuggle up to my little man. A very hot night but that didn't stop me sleeping as close as possible to him. I didn't sleep well however and spent the night thinking about the year that's been. Not a good year at all. The hardest year I have ever lived in my life.

I'm tired now and so are the kids. They all had a fabulous time with their Nanna and grandad and are all looking like they are about to fall asleep in the car. I know that's what I'd like to do.

It's several hours later and everyone is in bed. When we got home we unpacked, settled in and later had dinner.
Everyone was very tired so it has been a long afternoon. But now I'm laying in bed listening to my dog barking at the neighbours cat and Danny's snoring which is equally as loud.

Jayden never vomited today but I found myself watching him like a hawk. He looked like his balance was a little off at one point and my heart skipped a beat. He is due his MRI in early January and I'm as nervous as anyone could possibly be. I really hate that i cant make this all go away and jayden be the well littleboy he once was. That's the really hard part. I'm his mum but I don't have any control over any of this. It's truly awful and extremely painful. I wish i could. i wish i could make it all better and it all go away forever.

As the new year has begun i hope with all my might that i find a place of acceptance of that and be the mum i can be. "Concentrate on controlling the things u can control" a very wise lady said to be in the beginning of this journey. the things i can control are loving him to bits, being there for him when he needs me, holding him when he's sad, and crying, laughing with him and just loving him. The Simple stuff.
Miracles I can't make happen as much as I wish I could and somehow I hope I find that place of acceptance and hopefully there I will also find some peace, a place to breathe.

My New Years resolutions is to make this year as much as possible full of happy moments, memories of lots of laughter and loads and loads of cuddles with my children. A year that will see Jayden healthy and well and ready to take on another year and many more years to come....



Jayden and Luke today:).

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