It's not like I fall to bits into a dribbling mess, although that can happen, but today it was more a case of a wave of emotions slowly moving towards the shore over a period of time until finally by the afternoon it crashes on the sand and with it out comes all the emotions.
From the moment I woke up I knew I wasn't myself. My little man had slept in so I was awake with the other two and he was absent by my side. He got up not long after and i thought I was doing ok but by lunchtime I felt like I was carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders. After lunch I had a moment to go out which i felt i desperately needed. I went to see about getting a bracelet mended at the local jewellers. When we were in chicago a wonderful woman whom is the wife of the, at the time, director/ boss of procure gave me this bracelet. On it reads the words "HOPE". I have never let it off my wrist except when the rubber like string that keeps it together brakes and off to the jeweller I go with it.
The man and the jewellers was wonderful. He understood how much it meant to me and even though it had faded and looking a little worse for wear he was happy to fix it at a very reasonable price. He told me he understood how important it must be to me, and that was it, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I'm sure he never expected that response and probably wondered what exactly moved me so much, or maybe he never even noticed, I don't know. But by the time I left the shop and got into my car I was crying. Not sobbing, just letting the tears fall slowly down my face and the emotions out. I kept driving, not wanting to go home yet and eventually stopped at the local health food store. By which time the tears were wiped and I tried to continue to get on with my day and things i needed to do. I shopped for the items we needed and at the counter had a chat with the staff member. She knows of Jayden's story and I can't remember what she said but off I went again, tears welling up and I had to walk out. Damn hard. I cried all the way home then sat in the driveway to compose myself before I went inside. This is a Very lonely road.
Today I have him with me and I am so truly grateful for that. But the thought of losing him one day in the future, haunts me like nothing else could. No matter how hard I try it is there, how could it not be.
I was telling his brother tonight that he will be going to his mates house tomorrow because Jayden has to see doctor Nick. Jayden looked at me straight away and asked why? I told him he just wants to check everything is ok and he said with a very worried look on his face, "but home mum?" I said yes, we will be coming back home after we see him. You could see the relief in his face as soon as he heard those words and again I wanted to cry. I gave him the biggest cuddle and squeezed him for the longest time and hoped to god I never have to take him there again for anything other than a doctors visit.
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