Dropping off the kids yesterday to school was hard. A simple normal everyday thing was truly emotionally difficult. To be around a lot of parents whose biggest worry may be what to cook for dinner that night, was hard. A reminder of what we no longer have. What we wish for everyday and what we envy every second. i just want that life back, one that's not full of fear and worry for my son and going to school reminded me that we don't have it, and never will.
For me now, life is so different to these mums and to stand and chat about trivial stuff is a very real struggle. i want to be able to do that and blend back in but a big part of me also just wants to hide. Hide from being normal because normal is so hard. Because normal doesn't really exist in my life anymore and because normal would mean pretending my life is not what it is. I cant do that. There's nothing normal about my life now.
Waking up everyday living with this fear is not normal.
When i saw my kids off, i was so very proud and so very sad. They both looked gorgeous, Luke all pleased as punch that he was going to be a "big kid" now and looking forward to seeing his mates and Layla all casual, and keen to settle back in. I sat in the classroom with Luke after we saw Layla to her classroom and he and i sat in his and talked a little about what was going to happen during the day. He then said it was ok for me to go and gave me a big cuddle. As I gave him that cuddle to say goodbye I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I know it wasn't just because its his first day at year one but it also symbolises so much. The year that's been and I missed the majority of it with him at school, the year that's ahead and most of all, the fear that I may never see the day that Jayden does this. The fear that I may never cuddle Jayden goodbye to his first day at school. I squeezed luke so tight as I'm so proud of him and i love him so very much and i left his room with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I walked out quite swiftly past the mums, with a "hi" here and a "how you going" there, and as soon as I got in the comfort of my home I began to cry. Danny was there and gave me a big cuddle, he knew why I was upset and of course understands. Honestly this is so damn hard. My fear of the future is truly overwhelming some days and yesterday was one of them.
I watched the other mothers milling around the classroom that day and I envied them. I envy that they don't hurt each and everyday over the prospect of one day losing their child forever. I envy their simple worries. I know tomorrow is not a given but for most people its not even given a second thought. For me that's all i think about. how many tomorrows will I get with my baby?
Today I spent the morning with a beautiful, courageous and genuinely kind, wonderful lady. She is living a nightmare of her own and together we shared stories, cried, laughed and felt understood. We have different stories, different circumstances but we understood each other and that is the best feeling in the world when you feel so alone.
I wanted to wrap her in my arms and take her pain away. make her life so much better so that she could live life the way it were meant to be lived. But
No matter how hard we both wish our lives were different , they will never be.
When she left I sat crying, I needed it and she made me feel ok about it. Yesterday amongst all those parents I felt like I had to keep my chin up, smile and be happy. Today with this beautiful person and friend I could be myself and geez it felt better.
There is something very special about being around people who get you, in such extreme circumstances. Because there simply is no way of knowing what this is like unless your living it or some form of it. today i felt heard and today i had the cry i needed to have.
My cheeky boys and I tonight while reading books. These are the moments I live for, cherish and am so truly grateful for.
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