Monday, 25 February 2013

A card

Before i went to bed last night I put some clothes away and whilst putting Jayden's away I found a card that a relative had given us when Jayden was born. I held it in my hands and read it and remembered back to the time when we received it. It reads "may you have a wonderful life with your new baby boy". Back then none of us would have any idea of what was to be in our lives with our new precious baby boy. We had no idea of the life we would enter on march 7th 2012 when Jayden was 22 months old. No idea of the pain we would feel, the heartbreak, anxiety and sheer sadness that would become our lives.
I held it in my hands as those thoughts went through my mind and I cried. I remembered how easy life was back then and how we had so many hopes and dreams for our new little man. I wished so much we were back there and this pain we live with now, agonising over our sons future were gone.
I carefully placed the card back in the draw and walked into the kitchen feeling numb. I sat on my own whilst everyone in the house was asleep and just sat. the sadness can be so overwhelming that numbness takes it place and thinking becomes truly hard. i couldn't write in this blog and i didn't want to. I just desperately wanted to stop hurting.
I took a women's magazine from the office and decided to flick through and try and focus on what the rich and famous are stressing about these days. I tried to not think for a while. I spoke to my husband about my lonely moment last night and he asked me "were you able to stop thinking for a while", "no" was my answer. What I wouldn't give just to breathe and not worry. Not fear for what's around the corner and not hurt. I love my children more than anything and my god it hurts to be living this life now.
Sometimes I get moments like this afternoon as I push Jayden in his little car along the footpath and I think" this is great, I'm pushing my beautiful son in his car, he's happy, smiling, I have to love this moment". And I do but the darkness of the fear and worry always overshadows those feelings.
Jayden didn't vomit yesterday but we thought he was going too not long after he finished his dinner. he went through the motions and with it his appearance looked odd for a second, like he was going to pass out. He didn't and he was fine shortly after but I emailed Dr Nick with my concerns all the same. He replied saying to keep an eye on him. Which of course, goes without saying as there is very little else I do.
We all went to the park this afternoon after school and as always it was great to be together. When we were there I saw a person I knew, not a close friend but someone that works in the area. They approached me and asked how I was. Then stood with me and listened to my answer and we talked about the whole scenario and I really appreciated her asking and wanting to hear. I kept expecting her to say she had to go somewhere or give some other excuse to leave so she didn't have to hear the hard stuff. She didn't. She went on to tell me that she understood in someways how many people would rather say nothing to me than say the wrong thing. Her and her husband tried for years to have children and they were never able to. Difficult times and like all difficult times true friends shine and those that aren't, fade.
She gave me a hug and I thanked her for listening and we parted company.
I walked over to join danny and the kids and gave danny a big hug along with each of my kids. I love my family so much and I am so very grateful to have them.
Later when the kids were busy at home I talked to him about the conversation that I had with this woman. Her heartbreak was because she never was able to have children. I am so grateful I was able to. I'm so grateful I was able to hold each and everyone of my children in my arms when they were born, look into their beautiful faces and thank the heavens for being so blessed. i would not swap this heartache i experience everyday for never having being able to have my children.

tonight I go to sleep knowing that even though with every inch of my being I want my sons health back, I would never ever swap my life as it is now for never having him at all. And i say that with the heaviest heart for i know how badly i want him well forever and how very much it hurts to live like this but, i am lucky. Lucky to have my little man In my life. Lucky to have my family. lucky to have all my children.

They are truly what I live for.

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