Friday, 1 February 2013

A cuddle

I looked into my dads eyes today and thought how old he looks now. He's 71 but for a long time he just didn't seem to age and I guess when you see someone all the time you don't really notice. But today I did, today he was looking really weary and old. I felt sad as I know the past year would have taken its toll on him and continues to as it has done on all of us and I just felt sad for him. He doesn't complain though, just gets on with it and never whinges about anything. You would really never know if he was feeling like crap as he never let's on that anything is wrong. Always happy and jolly, seeing the positive in everything.

People often say Jayden reminds them of my dad. I believe it's not just in his looks but his personality too. They are both true soldiers in life and gentle and loving. They have both been through so much but still manage to smile. I love them both so very much and when I see them together its very Special.

Dad worked for danny last night so we were fortunate to see him first thing in the morning when he finished and he stopped to have breakfast with us.
When he came in the kitchen I was holding Jayden and his smile when he looks at Jayden is one of pure love and admiration. He gently squeezed his foot while he was in my arms and jokingly told him he would eat it for breakfast. Jayden smiled at him, knew he wouldn't do that and they both looked at each other with their smiles on their faces and it was if time had stopped for a second or two. My dad loves him, and you could see Jayden loves him too and it's as if they have some connection that nobody could understand but them. very special. there's just something about them both that is unique to them alone and No one else.

It was really nice to spend the morning with dad. I love him so very much and I hate to see him have to watch us live our lives as they are. He knows me. He knows I hurt everyday. He knows we are struggling inside and he's witnessing it. He gave me a big cuddle the other day when he caught me at a moment I needed to have a big cry. He knew that, and that's why he gave me a cuddle. I found myself sobbing in his arms and feeling like the little girl I once was and dad giving me a big cuddle to make it better. But both he and I know that that cuddle can't make this better. That no matter how big the cuddle this doesn't go away. That nothing can make this truly better. It must hurt him to no end that he cant make it better for me, that his cuddles can't take the pain away as they did when I were a little girl. just as it kills me that i cant make it better for my child. Together we can only hope and pray but We can't make it better.

Luke just woke up to find me in the bathroom writing this blog entry. He looked at me and said, "why are your eyes red?" I said "I'm just a little sad and had a cry"."Why are you crying?" He said. i replied "Because some of the things I'm writing about make me sad". He looked at me for a second or two then said "then stop writing mum".

So I am, and am going to put my beautifully clever little boy back to bed and snuggle up to my other one and try to sleep with thoughts of cuddles that do bring miracles, and hope that my son gets the one miracle i always wish for when I'm cuddling him.




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