Maybe I thought she'd have a miracle for me. Someway that would make my life a little less painful. But there isn't one. That's what I did discover today. That I just have to keep getting up every morning, keep going through the motions of my day, keep being there for my kids, keep sucking up the tears, keep hiding my constant fear, worry and overwhelming sadness and just keep moving.
These are the shoes I walk in and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.
It makes me sad. It made me sad sitting in front of her today realising there is no fix. Not that I thought there would be but I thought it may have helped somewhat.
I'm lost for words right at this moment to truly describe how i feel. I'm not sure there is any.
The moment we walked through the doors at PMH almost twelve months ago our lives changed. They changed dramatically and they changed forever. Not just for a week, a month, duration of a sickness but, forever. Forever.
It's hard to fathom that we will never be the family we once were and I think a big part of me is grieving that. Grieving for my healthy boy. Grieving for the mum I once was. We have all been affected by this nightmare and together, changed forever.
I drove home from my session today feeling no different to when I arrived. I hoped that I would feel a little different, maybe relieved somewhat that I got some emotions out. At the very least had some time to talk to someone who understood somewhat and a little less emotionally drained. She did understand in that she's heard it all before but she couldn't change it for me, obviously and nothing she told me was anything different to what I'm doing now.
I came home to my smiling little man and felt sorry that I lost that hour talking when I could have been with him. He was so happy to see me and even more happier to see his brother walking in behind me whom I collected from school on the way.
The two of them shot off together immediately and were inseparable for the rest of the evening.
It's a few hours later and I'm laying between my beautiful boys.
I've had my cry with danny as he walked in earlier and now I'm feeling so tired. I'm truly exhausted with this nightmare. the emotions, the sadness, the spending each and everyday containing those feelings and I just want my old life back.
My beautiful little man is sleeping, looking peaceful as always. I often look at him and just can't believe this has happened to him. That we have watched him go through so much.
I need to stop writing this entry, I need to sleep and I need to breathe. Not having the best day today.
Above is a picture of Jayden at our wonderful neighbours house this morning.
And below is him tonight before bed with his baby.
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