I Didn't have a too bad of a morning today and it always helps when Danny does the school drop offs and pick ups. As much as I want to be involved in my kids schooling it can be tricky if it means hanging around the school so my involvement is mainly at home.
Luke bought his first bit of homework home yesterday and it was very exciting for him to sit and do it with me last night. I hope he keeps the same enthusiasm up through to high school. He's having a lovely time at school and its so nice to see his smiling face when he comes home. Its also wonderful to see my daughter Layla, shes growing up so fast. i wouldn't exactly say she comes home with a smiling face but more the 'what to be expected from a year 6 girl' face but I know she's always happy to come home. I Miss them when they are at school, Jayden misses them also. As soon as Luke walks in the door Jayden and he are stuck like glue, playing together and interacting. Luke is so wonderful with him, and Jayden just idolises him. Really nice.
I'm having a better day but still with moments that are hard. I often worry I'm missing all the good bits when I'm having sad moments even when I try to keep them to times when I'm on my own.
I took Jayden to the park today and followed him around the playground but found myself in deep thought a lot of the time instead of focusing on him. Eventually I caught myself doing it when he was talking to me and I snapped myself out of it and I pushed him on his little car up the hill. We got to where the school was and for some reason it hit me again and I found myself trying to hold back the tears. Thank goodness for sunglasses.
Jayden was none the wiser as he has no problem living in the moment, boy do we all need to take a leaf out of his book. Especially me. Unfortunately reality is, it's not that easy. Easier for him as he's unawares but impossible for me as I know too much about this situation. To watch him so happy and enjoying life warms my heart but breaks it too. The knowing the possibilities of the future and the thought of him missing out on so much is truly crushing. He's such a little treasure. So easy going and happy. Of course he has the normal temper tantrums and some of them can be shocking but he's otherwise a true little gem. Beautiful little soul.
We went for a drive this morning to get a coffee at muzz buzz, my first one with him in ages as he's no longer allowed to have dairy and it has really been upsetting for him. Today I allowed him to have one of his 'cups of tea' with me. Which of course is a cup of milk in a takeaway coffee cup. Just the one, as a treat and we will call it our one 'cheat' day. His face was priceless. He was so happy to see his cup of milk and I had to ask myself, what's important? I know this diet the naturopath has put us on is a step in the right direction but its hard. It's hard to see him cry for his milk, to not be able to have his cup of tea with me in the morning anymore and I just have to wonder how important taking that away is. We have tried all the alternative milks that he can have and they are all in our fridge. So no milk or dairy has been in our house for some time. But he hates them all. for a while there we thought he'd be ok but no, he doesn't like them one bit. The other kids hate it all too so now they just don't drink milk at all. I'm a little confused to say the least and not sure to what lengths we should really be going. My beautiful friend Nadja, has helped me research a dietician but their ideas are often very different from the naturopaths.
We only want to do what's best for Jayden but I can't help but question some of those things, just as I've questioned every treatment, every step of the way. As a parent you want to be sure but I don't think you ever can be.
I wish I could be though. I wish I knew the answers.
He's awake, only a short snooze but time to take my beautiful little man home.
Home now, its a few hours later and he's in the bath with Luke. Giggling away the two of them and I'm just sitting outside the door. They play better when I'm not watching, then there's no competition for my attention. Love hearing them laugh.
Feeling very flat, kinda use to that feeling, and very lonely. Often feel lost, and trying hard not too by keeping myself busy but what I would t give to have my mum alive to cuddle right now. Those warm cuddles that mums do best and that sense of understanding that your mum gives when shes with you. for mums know you better than anyone. Really miss her.
I watched my kids playing outside today after dinner and tried to remember what it felt like when I were their age. Too hard, too long ago and too much has happened. And then I tried to think how they must feel now. How the past year has affected them and whether they would give it much thought now. I hope not. I hope all they think about is their friends, school and all the good things in their lives.
It's time to put my boys to bed. Cuddle up to my little rascals and sleep.
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